Today is my 49th birthday. Social distancing doesn’t allow for much fanfare at all. My aunt stopped by and left homemade cinnamon rolls on the porch and then she went back to the curb and sang me happy birthday. We had a FaceTime call with my parents and my brother and his family. Last night I had a zoom call with some friends and played online cards against humanity. It was great to see everyone.
The weird thing is that last night I ran fever. I was sure I had the virus. Then today my temp was completely normal. I think it was a psychosomatic fever. I had gone out to pick up groceries that I had ordered then I had to stop in a store to pick up a few items. The store allowed too many people inside and I felt unsafe. I have been terrified that I am going to get this thing and that it will kill me.
Add that stress on top of the stress of being out of work (I got a rejection notice yesterday during the day). And then add in having to be cooped up in a house with a head strong child that is flexing her independence and a husband that has been sick or injured for the last 3 months. I don’t think I have been handling my stress very well.
So I am going to add some meditation into my day and try to figure out how to get a little more exercise as well.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Coronavirus: Self-isolation Day 19
After downloading all of my emotions and feelings here the other day, I am feeling a little bit better. I also have been disinfecting my house very night with a bleach and water mixture which makes me feel more in control of things. I am also limiting my eating to the 16:8 hours that I have set out for myself. Which is just shorthand for having an eating window from 11am to 7pm every day. I am limiting sugary stuff but not really limiting carbs as a whole. If I decide I want to start doing that I will. But for now I am happy with how things are.
H’s knees are getting a little better and he is now able to do the mid-week pick up of my father in law’s pills. Which means he goes out once a week and I go out to pick up the groceries once a week. If I can limit my exposure I am hoping I can avoid getting this virus.
My goal for the remainder of the week is to get my assignment done for my HR course that I am currently taking, order a birthday present for my nephew (what is popular with 4 year old boys these days?) and figure our Easter chocolate and gifts.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Coronavirus: Self-isolation Day 16
It’s been a while since I last posted, but I am having some feelings about this global pandemic that I need to work out. And since I have basically journaled the most difficult times of my life, I return to my safe spot to blather.
So, I am scared. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year. I have basically been working on managing it by diet. And for the past few months I haven’t been doing a very good job of that. I am obese and have type 2 diabetes. So I am in the category of people who when they get Coronavirus they get it worse than the average person
This terrifies me. I have been cleaning like a fiend. My kitchen is cleaner than it has ever been. I
disinfect the door knobs, light switches, doors, basically any surface that we touch throughout the day. I have been the person going out to get our groceries, or running to the pharmacy for my father in laws prescriptions.
So any cough or stuffy nose I have sends me into a spiral of anxiety. I am manically taking my temperature every day.
On top of this my husband is just getting over shingles and has hurt his right knee. So he is hobbled and can’t really do our running around.
G is 9 now and in grade 4. She is at home since school has been cancelled indefinitely for this school year. So I am scheduling her time and trying to home school her.
Oh and did I mention I was laid off in November? The bank I worked for let 5% (2350) of its employees go. My package lasts until the end of April. So after that I will no longer be paid.
Just a little stress in my life right now. And it is all underlined with the fear that I will get this virus and die.
Oh but it’s my birthday next Saturday - so something to look forward to I guess.
Hmm I feel like I have just dumped everything out of my mind here. Kind of feels good!
I have to set goals for myself for however long we are in isolation. So I am going to fast 16:8 every day, limit carbs, get some movement in every day and try to stay sane.
How are you doing?
So, I am scared. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year. I have basically been working on managing it by diet. And for the past few months I haven’t been doing a very good job of that. I am obese and have type 2 diabetes. So I am in the category of people who when they get Coronavirus they get it worse than the average person
This terrifies me. I have been cleaning like a fiend. My kitchen is cleaner than it has ever been. I
disinfect the door knobs, light switches, doors, basically any surface that we touch throughout the day. I have been the person going out to get our groceries, or running to the pharmacy for my father in laws prescriptions.
So any cough or stuffy nose I have sends me into a spiral of anxiety. I am manically taking my temperature every day.
On top of this my husband is just getting over shingles and has hurt his right knee. So he is hobbled and can’t really do our running around.
G is 9 now and in grade 4. She is at home since school has been cancelled indefinitely for this school year. So I am scheduling her time and trying to home school her.
Oh and did I mention I was laid off in November? The bank I worked for let 5% (2350) of its employees go. My package lasts until the end of April. So after that I will no longer be paid.
Just a little stress in my life right now. And it is all underlined with the fear that I will get this virus and die.
Oh but it’s my birthday next Saturday - so something to look forward to I guess.
Hmm I feel like I have just dumped everything out of my mind here. Kind of feels good!
I have to set goals for myself for however long we are in isolation. So I am going to fast 16:8 every day, limit carbs, get some movement in every day and try to stay sane.
How are you doing?
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Well That Wasn't Good
So, I was all gungho to get on this diet and lose the weight quickly. Instead my self-control crumbled and I have basically been on a wild sugar binge for the last month and a half. I've put on a little weight.
It just wasn't working for me. I guess I'm a rebel... when I try to restrict myself so tightly, I end up rebelling against myself. I am a complicated person.
So, I have gone on to do a lot of research and have actually turned back to my Dr.'s original advice. I bought The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung. He's actually located here in my home town. He works with patients that have advanced type 2 diabetes; specifically those with kidney damage. He has done a lot of research into the hormonal causes of obesity and has his patients use intermittent fasting (IF) as a way to take the weight off quickly and safely. It is in combination with a low carb diet. But there are no calorie restrictions.
If you're interested, you can find more information about intermittent fasting at the Diet Doctor website: https://www.dietdoctor.com/intermittent-fasting
There are 5 key components to getting healthy:
1. Stress management
2. Cardiovascular health
3. Rest
4. Fasting
5. Diet
1. Stress Management
If you've followed my story at all you know that anxiety has been a challenge for me. Ironically raised cortisol actually aids in weight gain. So being stressed all of the time can make you fat. I was on meds for my anxiety for a while. Now I'm doing much better and am off of them, but I do not do a very good job of managing stress. So, I will be adding meditation into my daily schedule. Each day I will get up 20 minutes earlier and meditate.
Adding exercise into my routine will help with this as well.
2. Cardiovascular Health
Type 2 diabietes affects heart health so it is vital that I get it under control. So, simply by losing weight and managing my blood sugar levels, I will be increasing my heart health. However, I want to do more than that. I need to add more exercise into my routine. So I am stating here for myself and all to see that I will commit to getting 10000 steps at a minimum of 5 days per week building up to 7 days per week.
3. Rest
This is pretty self-explanatory. I will commit to getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night.
4. Fasting
I will complete 3 23 hour fasting periods per week. This means that I finish eating by 7pm on day 1 and on Day 2 I break that fast at 6pm.
5. Diet
I will not be calorie counting. I will be taking an approach that is low carb and low sugar. I need to add in more green vegetables. I will also be taking a multi-vitamin and topping up my vitamin D and vitamin B.
So, that's the plan. I think the meditation and the exercise will be the toughest parts. I have tried meditating in the past and always feel a little weird about it. I find it tough to focus. I commit to giving it my best. The exercise is something very tough for me. I used to love the gym and lifting weights. My favourite cardio machine was the step machine - you know the one where you climb stairs (not the stair master).. I am so far from that person right now. I need to figure out how to work full time, be a mom and find time in my day to exercise.
I need to get this under control if I want any quality of life later on.
It just wasn't working for me. I guess I'm a rebel... when I try to restrict myself so tightly, I end up rebelling against myself. I am a complicated person.
So, I have gone on to do a lot of research and have actually turned back to my Dr.'s original advice. I bought The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung. He's actually located here in my home town. He works with patients that have advanced type 2 diabetes; specifically those with kidney damage. He has done a lot of research into the hormonal causes of obesity and has his patients use intermittent fasting (IF) as a way to take the weight off quickly and safely. It is in combination with a low carb diet. But there are no calorie restrictions.
If you're interested, you can find more information about intermittent fasting at the Diet Doctor website: https://www.dietdoctor.com/intermittent-fasting
There are 5 key components to getting healthy:
1. Stress management
2. Cardiovascular health
3. Rest
4. Fasting
5. Diet
1. Stress Management
If you've followed my story at all you know that anxiety has been a challenge for me. Ironically raised cortisol actually aids in weight gain. So being stressed all of the time can make you fat. I was on meds for my anxiety for a while. Now I'm doing much better and am off of them, but I do not do a very good job of managing stress. So, I will be adding meditation into my daily schedule. Each day I will get up 20 minutes earlier and meditate.
Adding exercise into my routine will help with this as well.
2. Cardiovascular Health
Type 2 diabietes affects heart health so it is vital that I get it under control. So, simply by losing weight and managing my blood sugar levels, I will be increasing my heart health. However, I want to do more than that. I need to add more exercise into my routine. So I am stating here for myself and all to see that I will commit to getting 10000 steps at a minimum of 5 days per week building up to 7 days per week.
3. Rest
This is pretty self-explanatory. I will commit to getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night.
4. Fasting
I will complete 3 23 hour fasting periods per week. This means that I finish eating by 7pm on day 1 and on Day 2 I break that fast at 6pm.
5. Diet
I will not be calorie counting. I will be taking an approach that is low carb and low sugar. I need to add in more green vegetables. I will also be taking a multi-vitamin and topping up my vitamin D and vitamin B.
So, that's the plan. I think the meditation and the exercise will be the toughest parts. I have tried meditating in the past and always feel a little weird about it. I find it tough to focus. I commit to giving it my best. The exercise is something very tough for me. I used to love the gym and lifting weights. My favourite cardio machine was the step machine - you know the one where you climb stairs (not the stair master).. I am so far from that person right now. I need to figure out how to work full time, be a mom and find time in my day to exercise.
I need to get this under control if I want any quality of life later on.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
T2 Diagnosis and the 8 week blood sugar diet
I am changing the focus of my blog a little...I am still a Mom, and am still mid-40s (ish...creeping towards the big 50). I still have little pieces of my brain and heart that would like to have another child...complete with nightly dreams of babies and pregnancy recently. But, I am just too old at this point.
The focus of my blog is going to be more focussed on my health over the next little while. Last year, I tipped the scales at 286 pounds. And shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I had gestational diabetes which can lead to full blown T2; if I was aware of that I am not sure it would have changed my eating habits.
My Dr told me about some research she had heard that Dr Jason Fung was doing around Intermittent Fasting as well as Dr Michael Mosley. Well, I went right out and found Michael Mosley’s website, inhaled everything he said there and bought his book The 8 Week Blood Sugar Diet. https://thebloodsugardiet.com/
It is a plan to eat approx 800 calories per day,following a low carb moderate fat Mediterranean approach to eating. If you follow it, you will lose 10% of your body weight and it will reverse your T2.
I did it and I lost the 10%. Then I started incorporating sugar and carbs back into my eating...then I went nuts over Christmas and in a few months gained a bunch if the weight back.
So now I am back on track. I started back on the plan last week Wed. at 266.8lbs. I have modified it a bit. I mentioned Dr Jason Fung earlier. I am incorporating intermittent fasting into my approach.
I am eating between 800 and 1200 calories per day. No sugar, no processed carbs. I keep m6 carbs under 40gms per day. I also follow the 16:8 IF...which means I don’t eat for 16 hours and eat all of my calories in an 8 hour window.
As of today, I am down 6.8lbs. I feel full, have more energy, sleep better and have less pain in my joints. Th craziest thing is that my resting heart rate has dropped from 74 beats per minute to 66.
I gave seen from past attempts at losing weight I get so focussed on the hear and now if dieting that I forget to focus on the after part. I will be exploring here how I will maintain my weightloss and renewed health once I hit my goals.
The focus of my blog is going to be more focussed on my health over the next little while. Last year, I tipped the scales at 286 pounds. And shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I had gestational diabetes which can lead to full blown T2; if I was aware of that I am not sure it would have changed my eating habits.
My Dr told me about some research she had heard that Dr Jason Fung was doing around Intermittent Fasting as well as Dr Michael Mosley. Well, I went right out and found Michael Mosley’s website, inhaled everything he said there and bought his book The 8 Week Blood Sugar Diet. https://thebloodsugardiet.com/
It is a plan to eat approx 800 calories per day,following a low carb moderate fat Mediterranean approach to eating. If you follow it, you will lose 10% of your body weight and it will reverse your T2.
I did it and I lost the 10%. Then I started incorporating sugar and carbs back into my eating...then I went nuts over Christmas and in a few months gained a bunch if the weight back.
So now I am back on track. I started back on the plan last week Wed. at 266.8lbs. I have modified it a bit. I mentioned Dr Jason Fung earlier. I am incorporating intermittent fasting into my approach.
As of today, I am down 6.8lbs. I feel full, have more energy, sleep better and have less pain in my joints. Th craziest thing is that my resting heart rate has dropped from 74 beats per minute to 66.
I gave seen from past attempts at losing weight I get so focussed on the hear and now if dieting that I forget to focus on the after part. I will be exploring here how I will maintain my weightloss and renewed health once I hit my goals.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Decision Made
We are not adopting; it is just not the right thing for us. There is so much more I could write about this, but It all ends in the same place.
We have an amazing little family with a lot of blessings. I am going to embrace it and enjoy it and move forward fulfiilled with this decision.
We were recently considering renovating our whole house and were very far down the road, when we took a weekend away to the Blue Mountains in Ontario. We loved our time there. So much, in fact, that we made the decision to take the money we had put aside for the reno and buy our own place there. Within 8 weeks of that decision we had bought and were closing a townhome. It is beautiful!
We are renting it out and it has been solidly booked over the winter. It was a great decision!
So there are good things happening. Little G is 6 now...6 - the years are flying by! The other day she walked past me in such a way that I could see her as a teenager. I have to stop wishing for something that has been lost and savour what we have. You know I was going to say savour what we have been given, ut we weren't "given" anything. We fought our way to the little family that we have.
I have been doing us a disservice by focussing on what is missing instead of all of the great things we have.
We have an amazing little family with a lot of blessings. I am going to embrace it and enjoy it and move forward fulfiilled with this decision.
We were recently considering renovating our whole house and were very far down the road, when we took a weekend away to the Blue Mountains in Ontario. We loved our time there. So much, in fact, that we made the decision to take the money we had put aside for the reno and buy our own place there. Within 8 weeks of that decision we had bought and were closing a townhome. It is beautiful!
We are renting it out and it has been solidly booked over the winter. It was a great decision!
So there are good things happening. Little G is 6 now...6 - the years are flying by! The other day she walked past me in such a way that I could see her as a teenager. I have to stop wishing for something that has been lost and savour what we have. You know I was going to say savour what we have been given, ut we weren't "given" anything. We fought our way to the little family that we have.
I have been doing us a disservice by focussing on what is missing instead of all of the great things we have.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Back and Forth
About a week ago, I was overcome by an aching, longing for a second child. It had been a while since I had felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart. I started crying and then went to find H to discuss how I was feeling. I know, knew in that moment, that I don't have the energy to start from scratch again with a newborn, but thought if we could give G a sibling a couple of years younger than her then it would be good.
So we opened the discussion of adopting an older child from our local child services organization. I am now so torn about moving forward. I don't know if I am built to be an adoptive mother. Not sure if I am equipped to handle the special needs that most of these children have. The unknown scares me - what if the child and G don't mesh, what if this creates more problems than it fixes, what if the child doesn't he bond with us?
Here is the amazing thing. Once we had the conversation, and I had voiced my feelings, and we had agreed to look into adoption, then that hole went away.
Now I am wondering if I just needed to be reassured that adoption is a possibility.
I am coming here, to my little corner of the interwebs, to try to figure out my feelings.
Why do I want to adopt?
- We are financially and emotionally able to care for a second child
- My vision of our family has always had more than one child
- It would be good for G to have a sibling.
- I think a child would benefit from the love and support that we could offer
Why don't I want to adopt?
- Fear of messing up a good thing
- Financially, we are in a good place that includes being able to travel a couple of times a year. If we adopt that will change
- Fear of the unknown.
So much to think about; if anyone is reading and has some advice feel free to let me know!
So we opened the discussion of adopting an older child from our local child services organization. I am now so torn about moving forward. I don't know if I am built to be an adoptive mother. Not sure if I am equipped to handle the special needs that most of these children have. The unknown scares me - what if the child and G don't mesh, what if this creates more problems than it fixes, what if the child doesn't he bond with us?
Here is the amazing thing. Once we had the conversation, and I had voiced my feelings, and we had agreed to look into adoption, then that hole went away.
Now I am wondering if I just needed to be reassured that adoption is a possibility.
I am coming here, to my little corner of the interwebs, to try to figure out my feelings.
Why do I want to adopt?
- We are financially and emotionally able to care for a second child
- My vision of our family has always had more than one child
- It would be good for G to have a sibling.
- I think a child would benefit from the love and support that we could offer
Why don't I want to adopt?
- Fear of messing up a good thing
- Financially, we are in a good place that includes being able to travel a couple of times a year. If we adopt that will change
- Fear of the unknown.
So much to think about; if anyone is reading and has some advice feel free to let me know!
Monday, May 23, 2016
21 Day Walking Challenge - Day 8 of 21
Turns out it wasn't a great time to take on this challenge, but I have done my best.
I walked on Thursday, on Friday work was nuts but I went swimming. Saturday was a full day of yard work, Sunday and today were spent walking around Niagara Falls and at a water park. It is Victoria Day weekend, which was very busy. Tomorrow I will get back to my regularly scheduled walk.
It has been a really fun weekend which we capped with a night in Niagara Falls. It took us 4 hours to drive what is usually a 1 hour 45 minute drive. We went to the Rain Forest Cafe for dinner, hit a bunch of souvenir shots and saw some amazing fireworks. Then today we spent the morning at a water park. It was great family time!
Back to work tomorrow... ho hum.
I walked on Thursday, on Friday work was nuts but I went swimming. Saturday was a full day of yard work, Sunday and today were spent walking around Niagara Falls and at a water park. It is Victoria Day weekend, which was very busy. Tomorrow I will get back to my regularly scheduled walk.
It has been a really fun weekend which we capped with a night in Niagara Falls. It took us 4 hours to drive what is usually a 1 hour 45 minute drive. We went to the Rain Forest Cafe for dinner, hit a bunch of souvenir shots and saw some amazing fireworks. Then today we spent the morning at a water park. It was great family time!
Back to work tomorrow... ho hum.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
21 Day Walking Challenge - 3 Days down, 18 to go!
Little G insisted on joining me today; she didn't slow me down so I think she will likely be joining me I keep going. Last night we did a half hour of kids yoga together which was fun. I like that she is seeing me be more active.
My legs didn't hurt today while I was walking because I put my old shoes on. I know now not to where those other ones anymore.
Until tomorrow...
My legs didn't hurt today while I was walking because I put my old shoes on. I know now not to where those other ones anymore.
Until tomorrow...
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
21 Day Walking Challenge, 2 days down, 19 to go
It was an easy day to go out for my walk tonight. Sunny, warm, but not hot, just a lovely day. Put Tess on her leash and off we went. I wore a different pair of shoes today and my calves were burning the whole time.
It was a much more difficult walk for me today. I am going to put my other shoes on tomorrow and see if that makes a difference or if I really am this out of shape.
I am feeling pretty even keel emotionally these days, but there is something going on with me. I feel like I am at loose ends. I am searching for something new or challenging to do. .sometimes I think of moving across the workd to work for a couple of years or on a smaller scale renoing our house or getting a new puppy.
Work is good, Little G is awesome, my marriage has its ups and downs, but there is something missing. I am working on finding out what that is.
It was a much more difficult walk for me today. I am going to put my other shoes on tomorrow and see if that makes a difference or if I really am this out of shape.
I am feeling pretty even keel emotionally these days, but there is something going on with me. I feel like I am at loose ends. I am searching for something new or challenging to do. .sometimes I think of moving across the workd to work for a couple of years or on a smaller scale renoing our house or getting a new puppy.
Work is good, Little G is awesome, my marriage has its ups and downs, but there is something missing. I am working on finding out what that is.
Monday, May 16, 2016
21 Day Walking Challenge
I have had enough of being ginormous! I am overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose and haven't been quite sure where to start. I found a book called The Big Book of Walking for Weight Loss. There are several different workouts in it for several different levels of fitness. I am starting off with the 21 day walking challenge. Every day for 21 days I will walk for 30 minutes. Today was day one and I rocked it! I walked 2.4 km and felt great.
I am walking with the long term goal of losing weight, but really I am doing it for heart health and to feel fit again.
In other news, I am on cycle 4 of regular cycles. I am so happy I got over my stance of wanting to white knuckle my way through things and asked for medication. It really has me in a good place emotionally.
Anyway, that is just a quick catch up from me. I am hoping to have a daily entry while i complete my challenge.
I am walking with the long term goal of losing weight, but really I am doing it for heart health and to feel fit again.
In other news, I am on cycle 4 of regular cycles. I am so happy I got over my stance of wanting to white knuckle my way through things and asked for medication. It really has me in a good place emotionally.
Anyway, that is just a quick catch up from me. I am hoping to have a daily entry while i complete my challenge.
Monday, April 4, 2016
45!
I know it's been a while since I last posted. I haven't had much to say. Things have been very hard for me since the miscarriage last year. I was in a dark, anxious place and was having a really tough time pulling myself out of it. I hadn't had AF since the cycle right after my mc last May. I was walking around anxious that I was going to have a heart attack and die. And, the pounds have just piled on. It was awful. I finally went to my Dr and was prescribed Anti-anxiety meds. She also said I was extremely low in vitamins D and B12. Well, after a couple of months taking the drugs and the supplements I am finally feeling like me again. The anxiety is almost gone, the health anxiety is almost gone and AF has returned. Crazy, right?!
For the most part, I have moved past the mc. I still get sad sometimes and when that happens I acknowledge, feel what I need to feel and then move on. I am getting there.
H and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary in the fall...Around Valentine's day, he gave me a new diamond engagement ring. It is truly beautiful and I love it (and him for keeping a promise he made to me when we got engaged).
I am writing because I am turning 45 tomorrow. I cannot believe I am this old; time just flies by. I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Ambivalent at best.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone checks in on my little corner of the web anymore, but if you do know that I think of you often.
For the most part, I have moved past the mc. I still get sad sometimes and when that happens I acknowledge, feel what I need to feel and then move on. I am getting there.
H and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary in the fall...Around Valentine's day, he gave me a new diamond engagement ring. It is truly beautiful and I love it (and him for keeping a promise he made to me when we got engaged).
I am writing because I am turning 45 tomorrow. I cannot believe I am this old; time just flies by. I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Ambivalent at best.
Anyway, I don't know if anyone checks in on my little corner of the web anymore, but if you do know that I think of you often.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Happy New Year!
It has been a while since I last posted. Little G celebrated her 5 th birthday on Dec 23 rd. She is her own amazing person now. There is almost nothing of the baby she once was left in her. I am trying to soak in every minute with her because everything seems to be moving so fast.
My heart still aches knowing there won't be anymore children for us, but a little less now than before. I am trying to focus on what our future holds. Where will we be a year or ten from now?
I have started an online certificate in Human Resources; I think that may be my next big move. We are going to Jamaica in February. There are things to look forward to.
I will be 45 in April. How the heck did that happen! I am experiencing the effects of getting older. Pains where there were none before. I am the heaviest I have ever been which disgusts and infuriates me. But, I have not been in a good place this last year, so I am tryong to be kind to myself.
I am not sure what awaits me in 2016, but I am open to the possibilities.
My heart still aches knowing there won't be anymore children for us, but a little less now than before. I am trying to focus on what our future holds. Where will we be a year or ten from now?
I have started an online certificate in Human Resources; I think that may be my next big move. We are going to Jamaica in February. There are things to look forward to.
I will be 45 in April. How the heck did that happen! I am experiencing the effects of getting older. Pains where there were none before. I am the heaviest I have ever been which disgusts and infuriates me. But, I have not been in a good place this last year, so I am tryong to be kind to myself.
I am not sure what awaits me in 2016, but I am open to the possibilities.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Looking Forward
I am really trying to look forward and to make steps to changing myself. It's tough. I feel like I have split personalities. Half of me is eager to live a healthier life, be active and feel strong; the other half of me lacks motivation and sits on the couch watching tv. Guess which side is winning?
I am making steps to move forward; I have joined a group that focuses on 6 small habits that contribute to creating consistency and a non-judgmental relationship with food. The first habit is to commit to tracking what I eat for two weeks - it's not about whether I'm eating too many/not enough calories; it will make me aware of what I'm eating and when.
I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.
Speaking of looking forward, I have a girls weekend on the 24th of October. That is the weekend that the baby would have been due. I am glad that I will be surrounded by friends (likely full of alcohol) to pass that awful weekend.
I am making steps to move forward; I have joined a group that focuses on 6 small habits that contribute to creating consistency and a non-judgmental relationship with food. The first habit is to commit to tracking what I eat for two weeks - it's not about whether I'm eating too many/not enough calories; it will make me aware of what I'm eating and when.
I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.
Speaking of looking forward, I have a girls weekend on the 24th of October. That is the weekend that the baby would have been due. I am glad that I will be surrounded by friends (likely full of alcohol) to pass that awful weekend.
Friday, September 4, 2015
New Beginnings!
I changed the look of my blog - I just couldn't stand the pink for another second! Blah. I also changed my tag line.
I have to start to putting myself back together and it starts now. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been. Miscarriage and infertility have wreaked havoc with my body and my emotions. Enough is enough. It's time to make myself a priority. In the past, I would have sat down and made a plan. Got out my spreadsheet and tracked days, calories, activities until one day I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I would fall hard. Now, I have discovered a group of people who are advocating loving yourself well. Mind blowing.
I now understand the damage that my dieting history has done to my body and my thinking around food. I am now just eating the food. It doesn't mean going crazy and eating everything and anything, but it does mean paying attention to my body. Re-learning my hunger signals. Eating intuitively. It also means incorporating intentional exercise back into my life.
I'm just at the beginning and am taking baby steps. It's been really hard to find motivation; I was beginnning to worry that I was suffering a depression that I wouldn't bounce out of on my own. But, I feel things shifting - there is light where it was just gray before.
At one point, close after the miscarriage, I just wanted to change everything in my life. I wanted to quit my job, sell our house and move somewhere fresh and new. I would love to live near the ocean. My husband didn't realize how serious I was about things; he just laughed it off. And, I let him. I must have known that it was a reaction to everything I cannot change in my life.
So today, I am trying to love myself again. I have processed my brother's announcement and am happy for them. Now I am trying to find something to look forward to - I think the first thing will be a trip back to Jamaica.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Another Poor Me Post
I dropped into visit my parents with Little G on the weekend after a trip to the zoo in their city. As I had settled in my Mom says so what do you think of P &A's news? I had no idea what she was talking about, but quickly guessed that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby. She is due in April. They will have two under two. I haven't felt that blind-sided by an announcement in a while.
I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came. G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.
I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.
Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be. 30 weeks. I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day. I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed. All I can process is that it is just not fair.
I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else. I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement. I don't actually want two dogs. So, I need to find something else. I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.
Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things. One foot in front of the other.
I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came. G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.
I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.
Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be. 30 weeks. I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day. I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed. All I can process is that it is just not fair.
I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else. I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement. I don't actually want two dogs. So, I need to find something else. I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.
Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things. One foot in front of the other.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
What Should Have Been
5 years ago, I was pregnant with Little G and as luck would have it one of my favourite cousins was also pregnant. She was due in October and I in December. We each had a daughter, who are now besties. Fast forward to this year, she told me she was pregnant again and then a couple of months later I was pregnant. Her due date was August and mine late October/early November. It was like it was meant to be. In the wee hours of today, my cousin delivered her second daughter. She was 3 weeks early and her daughter is a gorgeous bundle at 9lb 14oz.
I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me. of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.
Sigh. I am working on it.
I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me. of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.
Sigh. I am working on it.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Finally Feeling Normal
I finally got my first period post-miscarriage last week and am feeling a lot better. I have done a lot of healing.
Little G still wants a sibling, she asked again the other day in the car why we're not having another baby. I told her that I don't have any good eggs left; then she said "why don't you go back to the lady who gave you me and get eggs from her?" I said that she doesn't have any good eggs anymore either. We're all out of eggs. It was a little heart-breaking, but I think it's starting to sink in that there won't be any more babies in our house.
Other than that we just keep moving forward. Little G finished JK on June 25th, so I took the last week off with her. We went to my brother's cottage, to a petting zoo, to a baseball game, out for lunch, to a wading pool and park. We saw the movie Inside Out. It was a great week. I head back to work tomorrow and she starts camp. We'll all (H, me, Little G) take a week together at the beginning of August and then H will take another week off at the beginning of September with Little G by himself.
I think it's going to be a fun and busy summer.
Little G still wants a sibling, she asked again the other day in the car why we're not having another baby. I told her that I don't have any good eggs left; then she said "why don't you go back to the lady who gave you me and get eggs from her?" I said that she doesn't have any good eggs anymore either. We're all out of eggs. It was a little heart-breaking, but I think it's starting to sink in that there won't be any more babies in our house.
Other than that we just keep moving forward. Little G finished JK on June 25th, so I took the last week off with her. We went to my brother's cottage, to a petting zoo, to a baseball game, out for lunch, to a wading pool and park. We saw the movie Inside Out. It was a great week. I head back to work tomorrow and she starts camp. We'll all (H, me, Little G) take a week together at the beginning of August and then H will take another week off at the beginning of September with Little G by himself.
I think it's going to be a fun and busy summer.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Still Mourning
I am sad that I will never again get that secret smile and quickening in my belly when I think to myself "i am pregnant"
I will never again watch my belly grow and feel my body change and know that it is because a little being is growing.
I will never experience any of thenlittle things that go along with being pregnant nor feel the excitement of waiting to meet my child.
I will never hold an infant of my own in my arms again.
I am still mourning the loss of our baby and am mourning what might have been; what will never be.
We could not have been graced with a better kid than Little G. She is awesome and my heart swells with pride and love when I think about her or just see her running around. I know how lucky I am and for the most part that is what I focus on. Yet, I am still mourning.
I will never again watch my belly grow and feel my body change and know that it is because a little being is growing.
I will never experience any of thenlittle things that go along with being pregnant nor feel the excitement of waiting to meet my child.
I will never hold an infant of my own in my arms again.
I am still mourning the loss of our baby and am mourning what might have been; what will never be.
We could not have been graced with a better kid than Little G. She is awesome and my heart swells with pride and love when I think about her or just see her running around. I know how lucky I am and for the most part that is what I focus on. Yet, I am still mourning.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Follow Up
I had my follow up ultrasound this week- there is a small piece of retained tissue but my dr is not worried about it. She thinks that it will be cleared out with my next cycle.
I am disappointed that it is not over. Emotionally I am doing ok and physically I am good. I still get hit with the occasional crying jag, but for the most part I am good. I was just really hoong to be able to close this chapter and move forward with our lives. Just par for the course that my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do.
It is so frustrating.
I am disappointed that it is not over. Emotionally I am doing ok and physically I am good. I still get hit with the occasional crying jag, but for the most part I am good. I was just really hoong to be able to close this chapter and move forward with our lives. Just par for the course that my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do.
It is so frustrating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)