A Graduate!

On Wednesday June 6th, I accomplished something that has been a monkey on my back for the last 22 years. I graduated from university. I started uni in 1990 in a communications program. A lot of shit happened between first & second year that threw me completely off track. Maybe one day I will be able to speak openly about it, but I still haven't forgiven myself for the decisions I made during that time. I am still ashamed. I think getting my degree is one step towards allowing myself to move forward, move on and begin to forgive.

So, I am a proud university graduate! The weight has been lifted from my shoulders; it is amazing how much lighter I feel. I was so happy to have my parents, my husband and my daughter in the audience to see me graduate. G won't remember it, but maybe it will be there deep down in her sub-conscious. We are going to have a bbq next weekend to celebrate.

In other news, Little G is growing up and is in full toddler mode now. She is now feeding herself with a fork and a spoon (still quite messy thought and that free hand usually dips in to help), she is just about running and is trying to jump up and down, she has discovered dancing and spinning which she loves. And, she is starting to talk, she has a few words, yes, no, shoes, socks, mommy, daddy, what's that, mine (this one is very new and sound like mah, mah, mah). I am still in awe that this little being is mine.

Happy Victoria Day weekend!

Life with a toddler is a ton of fun these days. Little G is walking everywhere now and wants to see and touch everything. She pays attention to everything we are doing and you can almost see her filing it away for later.

Yesterday was garbage day in our neck of the woods, H had emptied one of our garbage bins and left it outside of the kitchen. I told G to put it away. So she pushed it into the kitchen and then turned it around so the open side was facing the correct way. That shocked the hell out of me because I would never have thought that she would have realized that there was a right way and a wrong way for the garbage bin to face. The kid is sharp!

She is also blowing her nose a lot which is a newly acquired skill. If she sees a napkin or kleenex around she will blow her nose and then throw the tissue in the garbage. It's pretty cute.

I think because she's in the toddler room at daycare now that she is going to change and grow even quicker now. You can really see changes from week to week with her. It was a tough transition moving from the infant room to the toddler room. She would start crying when we'd enter the driveway to the daycare and then I'd have to pull her off of me and leave her screaming in the room with the daycare provider. Ugh. So, painful. Well, that was two weeks ago. Today, we dropped her off and she walked right into the room and didn't if look back to say good-bye. She is happy there again thank goodness.

I am loving being a Mom, of course, I worry constantly that I am screwing her up for life, but I am trying my best to be there for her and to be a good role model. On that note, the weight thing continues to be an anchor around my neck. I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself over food and that the more I tell myself that I am going to buckle down and finally get this weight off the more I sabotage myself and eat crap. I really hate how my body looks and feels right now so I need to do something to get myself back on track. I am open to any and all ideas!

Oh forgot to mention, this weekend is Victoria Day weekend in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. In Canada (well, in Ontario), this is the first official long weekend of the summer and we actually refer to it as "May Two Four" because it falls on the weekend closest to and befor May 24th. Also, because this weekend is one where we all start heading to cottages or going to cottages or simply having backyard BBQs and parties. May Two Four refers to the many Two Fours of beer that will be drank this weekend. (A Two Four or 2-4 is what we call a case of beer which contains 24 beer). To my fellow Canadians celebrating this weekend - enjoy and I hope the weather is beautiful.

Thankful

Someone on a messageboard I follow wrote about feeling her baby move (she is 6 months pregnant) and how she started crying because she is just so thankful that she is finally pregnant. She struggled with infertility before finally getting pregnant. She would also likely tell you she's not out of the woods yet and will only truly be happy when she has a healthy baby in her arms.

That's what infertility does to you, it makes you uber-aware of all of the things that can go wrong. It robs you of naivete. I didn't buy anything when I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks along and even then I only bought a couple of sleepers. After infertility, you are so afraid to jinx things that you just don't do the things that other first time mothers do. Women like me don't see a positive pregnancy test and then jump to the conclusion that there will be a baby 9 months later. Cautious optimism is the emotion of choice. Come to think of it, I have still never seen a positive pregnancy test. During the 4 years it took to get pregnant I had seen so many stark, white, negative tests that I just couldn't bring myself to pee on one that last time. I only ever got the blood results.

Anyway, all this leads me to what brought me to my computer to write this post. I am just so incredibly thankful to be G's mom. Having her in my life gives meaning to everything that we went through to bring her into our world. I will never forget about our struggles, although with distance it is not so painful anymore. I still remember enough, and carry the scars deep enough that I will always cherish this little girl. I know I'm in the easy phase right now where she thinks the sun rises and sets with us. I am prepared (as much as I can be) for the moody teenager who is in our future. I will love her regardless of her hormone induced mood swings.

I am getting ahead of myself, for now, for today, I will just be thankful and not worry about anything else.

Bumping Along

It's been a while since I last posted. Things just keep bumping along.

I've been back to work now for awhile and have settled into a great routine with Little G. She brings a smile to my face every morning as she stands in her crib yelling "hi ya" and waving to us. She seems really happy at daycare and will be moving up to the toddler room next week. She is walking now and is getting steadier on her feet every day. Soon she'll be running everywhere. I am so lucky to have this awesome little person in my life.

She is such a happy kid and it is rare for her to be in a foul mood. I don't think I've ever seen her truly unhappy unless she's not feeling well. There is one nasty habit that she has started - biting. Yep, she's bitten some other kids at school and she's bitten me a few times. With me, she thinks it's funny to hear me yelp in pain. But, she really doesn't like the consequence, which is being removed from me and whatever else she has been playing with and being made to sit by herself for a few seconds. This tends to stop the biting cold turkey for a few days until she forgets and does it again. At daycare they treat it the same way. If she bites, she is removed from the situation and the kid who is bitten gets lots of love and attention. I hope it's just a phase that passes quickly.

In other news, H. lost his job recently. So, please keep good thoughts for him to find something quickly. I have full confidence that he will be able to get a great job, I'm just not sure how long it may take.

Here's a photo of G from St. Patrick's Day:

On the mend (again)

Little G is now getting over her 4th ear infection since the middle of January. I have been taking her to a walk-in cinic nearer to her daycare/our home and they keep putting her on different kinds of antibiotics. I am starting to get a little worried about her having a problem with chronic ear infections so I took her to my family doctor. Who was of no help at all. My dr. basically made me feel like a nervous mother. But, I know this isn't normal. The next one she gets I am demanding a referral to an E.N.T. specialist.

I had a weekend off my diet and am finding it a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. It was my Mom's birthday and Little G and I went to stay with my parents' for the weekend. We ate a bunch of delicious food and now I am trying to get back into my healthy eating. We went to an amazing restaurant for my Mom's birthday. I ordered Chi.leanSea Bass that came with a creamy shrimp sauce and was served over two giant raviolis stuffed with portebello mushroom. I found out later that Chil.eanSea Bass is actually an endangered species (or close to it). I did feel guilty once I knew and had I known previously I would not have ordered it. I will say it was delicious. Little G loved it too. Right, though, back to healthy eating. I have been a little more on plan today, but my goal is to be back on track fully by Friday. If it happens before then that would be great too.

Self-improvement

When i had the G, I started thinking about the kind of mother I want to be for her. I started thinking about what kind of example I can be for her. And it made me take a long hard look at myself. Like D.r.Phi.l likes to say the same sex parent has the most influence on the child.

There were a couple of things that I could see that would set a good example for her. The first was finishing my bachelor's degree. I started back in 1990, through a series of bumps in the road I left school after my second year. In 1997 I went back to school this time at a different university and was going to school full time Monday to Wednesday while working Thursday to Saturday or Sunday. The place I was working offered me a full time job at a good wage and I took it. So, I dropped out, again.

A few years ago, I looked into my original school and found out that they had a distance education degree in Adult Education. As a happy coincidence, I happened to have been working as a corporate trainer already. It seemed like fate. When I got pregnant I needed two courses to complete my degree. During my pregnancy I took two half courses and then took almost a full year to start my final course. I finished that course in December and my graduation is set for June 6th. It only took 22 years, but I will finally have my degree. A B. of Ed. in Adult Education. I am pretty proud of myself for seeing this through and think that G will think I did a good thing too when she's old enough to understand.

The other thing I really want to do for her is to present a healthy Mom. I used to be a very active person, but lately I am more like a slug. Before getting pregnant, I was almost at my highest weight ever. Due to extreme nausea and morning sickness, and perhaps healthier eating, I actually only gained 3lbs for my entire pregnancy. I guess G was fed off of my fat stores. After giving birth, I lost around 29lbs in about two to three weeks. Slowly that weight crept back up and I gained almost 15lbs of it back. I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and joined a doctor supervised weight loss program. It is pretty limiting in what you can eat and how many calories you have a day because it is designed to get the weight off quickly. I am down almost 20lbs now. I still have around 55lbs to go, but I am on my way to being a healthier example for my daughter. In addition to the diet, I am starting going to Zum.ba on Monday nights with a co-worker. I can't wait to start.

There are other things that I want to improve upon. I want to be a more positive person; H and I tend to complain about things when in fact we have things pretty good. I don't want G to be that way.

Of course, I have to stop swearing so much. She's almost talking now, so I better get that under control before there's a little parrot following me around.

Is one enough?

I am still grieving the loss of our twins; I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move on from having to make that decision. After having struggled for so long to get pregnant, only to lose 2 of our 3 babies was so painful and unfair. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful the healthy, happy little girl that we have. She is the light of our lives. I just feel like we were shafted out of our complete family.

H and I have gone back and forth and back again on whether we want to try and have another baby. We have three frozen embryos still waiting for us in the Czech Republic. Financially, it would be a burden and sacrifice to have another child. We would have to stay in our little home and make do with it the way it is right now (one bathroom, two bedrooms). Putting two kids in daycare is very expensive where we live. I am not sure how we would pay for that. We both would need to make significantly more money.

Having one child makes things a lot easier. There are two of us so we outnumber her. People are more willing to babysit if there is just one kid. It is easier to travel or go out for dinner or any number of things.

Then there are our ages; I’m turning 41 this year and H is turning 44. If we wait too much longer, I feel like we’ll be too old to deal with the newborn sleeplessness. I already feel like an old mom.

But, there is this sense in me that our family is not complete. Part of it may be due to losing the twins and trying to re-capture the family we should have had. But, there is more to it. I want Little G to have a sibling. I want her to have a pal for life. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that just because people are siblings it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be friends. I want her to at least have that opportunity.

Sigh. But then I go back to what we can do for G if there aren’t other kids around. We can put her in private school and make sure she can have the afterschool programs she’s interested in. We can travel with her and introduce the world to her.

I don’t know what to do or what I want. At any given moment, my answer is different. When I started writing, I was sure that I wanted to at least try for another, but then the practical side of me takes over and I think financially we’re better off with one.

It’s the intangibles that get me. What will we as a family get out of having more than one child? How will Little G benefit or be harmed by having a sibling?

Then I think about when I am old and looking back over my life. Will I regret not having tried with our remaining embryos? I think so. Is that enough a reason to try?

I guess I’m asking the Mom’s out there who stopped at one. (if there’s anyone reading) What were your reasons? How did you make this decision?