Stressed

Little G turns 2 in December and I am starting to think about her birthday party. You know, getting a theme, figuring out decorations and guest lists etc. We don't have a lot of friends with kids her age. One has a son that is a year older and one has a daughter a year younger, and another that is a year and a half younger. So, I'm trying to figure out what kind of party to have. Then I started thinking about friends for her. Does she have any friends? Is this something I'm supposed to be asking at daycare? She's not even 2. Am I supposed to be setting up playdates for her on the weekend? Argh! I am stressing about this. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. And, I really don't want her to be a loner. How do I go about this? Do I make inquiries at the daycare? And, back to the party... do I need a big theme or do I wait until she's older? This really doesn't seem to be that big of a decision all things considered... so why is it stressing me out?

Pinterest

So, have you discovered the magic that is pinterest.com? I am what you would call a "late adopter" so I have just recently found my way onto this site. I love love love it. Be careful, you can find yourself lost in all the pretty pictures and neat ideas and time will pass by without you even noticing. I like crafty things. Last year I made a stocking for Little G for Christmas and this year I will be making new ones for H and I. I also love to knit. I went to pinterest thinking I would find some great crafty ideas. I have found a ton of ideas, but so far none of the things I have pinned are knitting ideas. Oh well!

I have been kicking around the idea of starting a knitting company (another reason I was checking out pinterest). I love to knit and people seem to think I'm pretty good at it, so why not start something to bring in a little extra pocket money? I have decided on a target audience and am gathering and trying different patterns so that I can test out the level of difficulty, the time it takes to complete and how cool it looks so that I can assign a price to it. I am currently knitting a baby blanket for which I have adapted a pattern for a full size blanket. So far it's pretty quick to make and it's very pretty. So, it may just be a winner. When I have things in a more concrete state I will pass them on here.

Fears

I was reading a post on one of the message boards I frequent and the topic of fear was raised. A woman wrote that she hadn't known true fear until her children were born. I thought when I read the title for her post that I could really relate to what she was saying, but in truth, I didn't. Her post was about the fear of her children dying, her dropping them or not being able to save them. To this point, I have not experienced those irrational types of fear. Of course, I worry.I am a worrier by nature. I just believe that I do the best with what I have at the time and trust that my daughter will be okay.

There are a lot of other things that I worry about. For instance, I worry about making the right choices for my daughter. I am scared that if I make the wrong decision that I will set her on a path to unhappiness and mediocrity. Little G is 20 months old and we are already contemplating what school to send her to and whether or not it should be a private school. You see, I don't necessarily think that by going to private school that Little G will do big things with her life, but I (we) want to give her the best chance at achieving her dreams.

H. read an article recently that gave me some peace of mind. It basically said that even by having the discussion and weighing the pros and cons of our decision that our child is already better off. It shows that we are thoughtful in our parenting. It gave me peace of mind, but not any real answers. Sigh.

There is one other thing that worries me... the inevitable comments about my age. I do live in a metropolitan city, and there are a lot of older Moms, but I know I am going to encounter an "is this your granddaughter type comment at some point". I know 41 is not that old, but there are a lot of women who are my age or just a little older that are grandparents already. I have to get a good answer ready for when it happens. I have a feeling no matter what I want to say, when it eventually happens I will be struck dumb and mute and slink off home to cry.

I have more thoughts on the fears that relate more to our daughter's conception story, but I am not ready to share those yet.

Feeling Better

Edited to add in breaks around the paragraphs. Not sure why this doesn't happen automatically in bloger.

I am feeling a lot better. After I last posted, I had another major GERD/panic attack and went to see my Dr. She fit me in at the last minute. We talked, ran some blood tests and she prescribed me an anti-anxiety drug that is to be used when I can't break the cycle of panic attacks. She only prescribed 10 pills. It's funny, just knowing I have them has helped me; I haven't taken any yet.

I have also been back to see her to get my blood work results. My heart is basically fine. Cholesterol could be better, need to lose weight, but I'm in the average risk for heart disease.

I am back on weight.watchers and am just taking things a day at a time.

Things have been busy around our household. Little G is a going concern. She is so curious and adventurous we have to make sure we have our eyes on her at all times. We had a wedding Saturday night (third one this summer) and then brunch with my parents on Sunday. My parents took care of G overnight for the first time. It was nice to sleep in a little on Sunday, but I still missed her.

Monday we brought our car in to get fixed and to make a long story short, we bought a new car which we pick up tonight.

Oh, and I am moving offices on Thursday. We just moved to this location in May, but our project got put on hold so we are off to our old location. I like that location better anyway so I'm happy to move back.

And, on top of everything, our chocolate lab was really sick. They thought he had a slipped disc in his neck. I have never seen him in so much pain. On Sunday, he started to get better and now you can't even tell there was anything wrong. Seems like this is just part of him getting old - he's 9 now.

Little G turned 20 months old on August 23rd, a year from now we will be getting her ready for junior kindergarten. This seems so crazy that things are going so fast. We are investigating our options now - private school vs public, French only school vs French immersion. H is French Canadian so he would like her to be bilingual. It's a lot to think about for a little person who is not yet two.

Overall though, life is good.

One and done

I have been following a lot of stories about women trying for a 2nd after infertility. Reading their stories and cheering them on is a kind of torture for me. I know we are done trying for a second, even though we are still keeping the door open. It gets more and more obvious that we are one and done.

Still I keep reading and cheering and thinking wouldn't it be nice. Sigh.

In other news, my GERD and anxiety have come together to create a storm for me. I have gas pains in my chest and I think could it be a heart attack, then the anxiety takes over and I go around and around through these thoughts. My heart is fine, I have been checked several times. My weight and cholesterol could be better, but for all intents and purposes I am healthy. I just need to find a way to get a handle on the GERD, everything I have read says to keep a journal to figure out what are triggers and then strip those foods from my diet. I am too lazy to do it, well, until now. Combined with another attempt to get my weight in hand, I am going to start eating a GERD type diet. No coffee, no mint, no fatty or fried food, no alcohol. Boring! I am also going to ask my Dr to prescrive anti-anxiety meds for when I am having a full on attack. I don't want to have to take something every day, but it would be nice to have something that can break the cycle that happens when wave after wave of attacks hit.

I worry that the GERD/anxiety will impact my ability as a mother. Because my mind automatically jumps to heart attack when this happens, I tend not to exercise or exert myself. I don't want to teach my daughter sedentary habits. So, it is really important that I get this under control. On top of everything, it is just plain scary. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this at 41 years old.

Little G is now 19 months old and is so much fun to be around. She is affectionate and loves to give big hugs. She is enamoured of our Wheaten right now and likes to climb on her or call her up on our bed/couch. G is also talking in short sentences which is pretty cute. She's not at the point where you can have a conversation with her, but she can answer simple questions. She is truly a joy and I realize every day how lucky we are to have her in our lives.

Hello

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. A lot has been happening and I just haven't felt like posting.

Let's see. H has been out of work since mid-February. He's put out a bunch of resumes and been on two interviews. I hate that I judge the effort that he's been putting into it. I know that the market is not friendly right now, but when I come home and he's told me how many movies he's watched in a day or that he's gone out for lunch with his Dad it irks me. I have really tried not to put any pressure on him whatsoever because I know how stressful it can be. I really hope that he gets something soon.

Little G is progressing in leaps and bounds. She had 7 ear infections between the middle of January and beginning of May, so the decision was made to have tubes put in her ears. They did a hearing test and her ear drum in her didn't move at all during one of the tests indicating that her ear was full of fluid. Basically, her hearing had been impacted. Which I had suspected because her words were coming very slowly. Within a week of her having the surgery, her vocabulary exploded. She is now speaking in short sentences (I want out, I want towel) etc. She is starting to dance and trying to sing and do the hand signs to songs. Itsy bitsy spider is a big hit around our house. Oh, and she loves when I sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game. I finish and she says "'gain" and I sing it again. I think I sang it about 10 times in the car on our way to my parents over the weekend.

Life for me is pretty much the same. Work, sleep, eat, take care of Gigi (oh the joy!). H and I need to find some time for each other. I bought H tickets to a play out of town for the two of us in the fall. So, that's something to look forward to.

I still vacilate between wanting another child or not, but most days I think that Little G will be our one and only. That is getting a little easier for me to accept.

Bowmanville Zoo

Over the May 2-4 weekend, we took Little G to the Bowmanville Zoo. I had heard so many fantastic things about it that I thought she would have a fabulous time, and I wasn't disappointed. We went on the Monday of the long weekend and when we arrived at the zoo, the parking lot was full so we had to park on the green space across from the zoo. This was kind of crappy because the zoo is on a small highway, we had to walk a short distance out of our way to cross at the lights. Really a very small inconvenience.

At the entrance there was a sign that informed us that the elephant was not in residence. The Bowmanville zoo is a training zoo and a lot of their animals are used in tv and film productions. G is so little that it didn't make a difference that the elephant wasn't there. We bought our tickets for entry - around $15 each for us and G was free because she is under 2. I knew from word of mouth that the kids can feed the animals at this zoo, so I asked about buying food. A bag is $2 and you can also buy it at the snack bar if you forget to buy it at the entrance. We were also given a map of the zoo at the entrance, although I hadn't realized it at the time and just stashed it away in the diaper bag. With hindsight, I would have liked to review the map prior to going in, but we managed just fine.

We took G out of her stroller and let her walk the whole time. We kept the bag of animal food in the stroller and G quickly got in the pattern of feeding the animals and going back to the stroller to get more food. She fed the Llamas, Alpacas, Billy Goats, Reindeer, and more. She absolutely loved every minute of it and I cannot wait to go back with her. If you have a toddler, this zoo is awesome for them and I would highly recommend a visit.