It's Started

Despite doubling my progesterone, spotting has started today. Light pink, barely there, but it's started. I am sad and not sure how to process everything I'm feeling. There's guilt, sadness, anger, you name it. Little G has stopped asking questions about the baby. She's resilient.

I have been thinking about it... this baby gave me a gift. I got to see what an amazing, loving sister Little G would be. She was so excited, interested and loving towards it. Drawing pictures of our family and planning for the future. It was wonderful to see. I also got the surprise pregnancy announcement I had always longed for. There was joy.

My heart is breaking, but even for the short time it was with us this baby was loved and a gift.

It's Hard

Little G knows about the pregnancy and every night when we go to bed we talk about when the baby comes and what stage of development that we are at.  Tonight she was full of the same kinds of questions and I tried to put on a brave face. We don't want to tell her anything until we know for sure, but the questions are like little shards of glass piercing my heart. So I told her that the baby is very sick and that I have an appointment next week with the doctor next week to see if the baby is going to be ok. I told her that there isn't a lot that we can do for the baby right now and that it might die.

She knows about death because our dog died last year.

It is so hard. We feel so stupid having told her this early...having told everyone this early.  But, everything seemed to have lined up so perfectly that we felt confident.

Stupid.

And, then there is the hope. Raising its ugly, unwanted head. Whispering in my ear that maybe everything will be ok. Maybe by next week there will be more growth that things will have worked themselves out. Stupid.

This morning walking back from Gigi's school I almost threw up.  So am I just imagining things?  Oh, and for good measure, I took a pregnancy test today.  The line was there the moment the pee hit it.  If the baby stopped growing two weeks ago shouldn't it have taken some time for the line to show?

Devastated.

Measuring 5 Weeks

Had my u/s this morning. I am measuring 5 weeks when I should be 7 weeks-ish. Not good news.

Have spoken with my Dr. and I am stopping progesterone/estrogen and am just going to let my body take over. I have a repeat u/s for next week just to confirm there is no further growth.

We are devastated.

We're Back!

We're back from a great trip in Florida! While there we went to watch a Blue Jays game (Jays vs Yankees) and a hockey game (Tampa vs Montrea). We swam every day, walked the beach, watched the Manatees, met family, went to the Aquarium and hung out with my folks. It was great.

I didn't get into the details of how we told my parents. Little G has been drawing stick figure pictures and before we went to Florida she had drawn a picture of our family. It showed H, Little G, and me. When she drew me, she had drawn a little stick figure baby in the middle of my dress. She gave the picture to her Grandpa, and pointed out who everyone was "There's Daddy, there's me, there's Mommy and the baby in her tummy" My Mom laughed and said "ya right" to that. I said, she's serious I'm pregnant and then my Mom teared up and my Dad held my hand.

I wish I had taken a picture of the drawing so I could post it here.

Now we're back and it feels like we were never away. It's cold here still although not a deep freeze anymore. I'm so ready for some good, warm weather!

I Told Her!

Well we told my parents yesterday that we are expecting in November!  It went really well. My Mom was happy and got teary eyed. I am glad it went so well.

We are in Florida staying with them. Had a great day at the pool and at the beach. Little G is loving itand wants to swim all day long.

Anyway, better run...

I Tested Again

Yesterday I was positive I wasn't pregnant any longer, so I POAS - still glaringly positive. The hcg line coming up before the control line. So I had a bit of a sigh of relief.

Fran, you asked me when my u/s is. It is scheduled for Monday March 25th. I am counting down the days.

Valery, you were wondering if I have any siblings. I have one brother who is almost a decade younger than me. Both of us were "surprises" that my Mom was not particularly happy about at first. For reasons that I won't go into, she didn't really want any kids, so she doesn't get the ache that I had/have for children. I mean, philosophically she gets it, but not on a level that she can empathize with.

She is a great Mom and has told me that although she was shocked, scared etc that once she got used to the idea she definitely was happy about it. And, once I was in her arms, she was in love.

I think she'll just need to get used to the idea and then everything will be fine.

It's Here! ( A Quicky)

My meds came in the mail today! Now I won't run out of estrogen/progesterone. One less thing to worry about.