Another Poor Me Post

I dropped into visit my parents with Little G on the weekend after a trip to the zoo in their city.  As I had settled in my Mom says so what do you think of  P &A's news?  I had no idea what she was talking about, but quickly guessed that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby.  She is due in April.  They will have two under two.  I haven't felt that blind-sided by an announcement in a while.

I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came.  G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.

I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.

Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be.  30 weeks.  I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day.  I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed.  All I can process is that it is just not fair.

I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else.  I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement.  I don't actually want two dogs.  So, I need to find something else.  I feel like I am having a midlife crisis.  I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.

Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things.  One foot in front of the other.

What Should Have Been

5 years ago, I was pregnant with Little G and as luck would have it one of my favourite cousins was also pregnant.  She was due in October and I in December.  We each had a daughter, who are now besties.  Fast forward to this year, she told me she was pregnant again and then a couple of months later I was pregnant.  Her due date was August and mine late October/early November.  It was like it was meant to be. In the wee hours of today, my cousin delivered her second daughter. She was 3 weeks early and her daughter is a gorgeous bundle at 9lb 14oz.

I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me.  of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.

Sigh.  I am working on it.