Friday, January 20, 2017

Decision Made

We are not adopting; it is just not the right thing for us.  There is so much more I could write about this, but It all ends in the same place.

We have an amazing little family with a lot of blessings.  I am going to embrace it and enjoy it and move forward fulfiilled with this decision.

We were recently considering renovating our whole house and were very far down the road, when we took a weekend away to the Blue Mountains in Ontario.  We loved our time there. So much, in fact, that we made the decision to take the money we had put aside for the reno and buy our own place there.  Within 8 weeks of that decision we had bought and were closing a townhome.  It is beautiful!

We are renting it out and it has been solidly booked over the winter.  It was a great decision!

So there are good things happening. Little G is 6 now...6 - the years are flying by! The other day she walked past me in such a way that I could see her as a teenager.  I have to stop wishing for something that has been lost and savour what we have. You know I was going to say savour what we have been given,  ut we weren't "given" anything. We fought our way to the little family that we have.

I have been doing us a disservice by focussing on what is missing instead of all of the great things we have.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Back and Forth

About a week ago, I was overcome by an aching, longing for a second child. It had been a while since I had felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart. I started crying and then went to find H to discuss how I was feeling.  I know, knew in that moment, that I don't have the energy to start from scratch again with a newborn, but thought if we could give G a sibling a couple of years younger than her  then it would be good.

So we opened the discussion of adopting an older child from our local child services organization.  I am now so torn about moving forward.  I don't know if I am built to be an adoptive mother.  Not sure if I am equipped to handle the special needs that most of these children have. The unknown scares me - what if the child and G don't mesh, what if this creates more problems than it fixes, what if the child doesn't he bond with us?

Here is the amazing thing. Once we had the conversation, and I had voiced my feelings, and we had agreed to look into adoption, then that hole went away.

Now I am wondering if I just needed to be reassured that adoption is a possibility.

I am coming here, to my little corner of the interwebs, to try to figure out my feelings.

Why do I want to adopt?
- We are financially and emotionally able to care for a second child
- My vision of our family has always had more than one child
- It would be good for G to have a sibling.
- I think a child would benefit from the love and support that we could offer

Why don't I want to adopt?
- Fear of messing up a good thing
- Financially, we are in a good place that includes being able to travel a couple of times a year. If we adopt that will change
- Fear of the unknown.

So much to think about; if anyone is reading and has some advice feel free to let me know!




Monday, May 23, 2016

21 Day Walking Challenge - Day 8 of 21

Turns out it wasn't a great time to take on this challenge, but I have done my best.

I walked on Thursday, on Friday work was nuts  but I went swimming. Saturday was a full day of yard work, Sunday and today were spent walking around Niagara Falls and at a water park. It is Victoria Day weekend, which was very busy. Tomorrow I will get back to my regularly scheduled walk.

It has been a really fun weekend which we capped with a night in Niagara Falls.  It took us 4 hours to drive what is usually a 1 hour 45 minute drive.  We went to the Rain Forest Cafe for dinner, hit a bunch of souvenir shots and saw some amazing fireworks.  Then today we spent the morning at a water park.  It was great family time!

Back to work tomorrow... ho hum.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

21 Day Walking Challenge - 3 Days down, 18 to go!

Little G insisted on joining me today; she didn't slow me down so I think she will likely be joining me I keep going. Last night we did a half hour of kids yoga together which was fun. I like that she is seeing me be more active.

My legs didn't hurt today while I was walking because I put my old shoes on.  I know now not to where those other ones anymore.

Until tomorrow...

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

21 Day Walking Challenge, 2 days down, 19 to go

It was an easy day to go out for my walk tonight.  Sunny, warm, but not hot, just a lovely day.  Put Tess on her leash and off we went.  I wore a different pair of shoes today and my calves were burning the whole time.

It was a much more difficult walk for me today. I am going to put my other shoes on tomorrow and see if that makes a difference or if I really am this out of shape.

I am feeling pretty even keel emotionally these days, but there is something going on with me.  I feel like I am at loose ends. I am searching for something new or challenging to do.  .sometimes I think of moving across the workd to work for a couple of years or on a smaller scale renoing our house or getting a new puppy.

Work is good, Little G is awesome, my marriage has its ups and downs, but there is something missing. I am working on finding out what that is.

Monday, May 16, 2016

21 Day Walking Challenge

I have had enough of being ginormous! I am overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose and haven't been quite sure where to start.  I found a book called The Big Book of Walking for Weight Loss.  There are several different workouts in it for several different levels of fitness.  I am starting off with the 21 day walking challenge.  Every day for 21 days I will walk for 30 minutes. Today was day one and I rocked it!  I walked 2.4 km and felt great.

I am walking with the long term goal of losing weight, but really I am doing it for heart health and to feel fit again.

In other news, I am on cycle 4 of regular cycles. I am so happy I got over my stance of wanting to white knuckle my way through things and asked for medication.  It really has me in a good place emotionally.

Anyway, that is just a quick catch up from me.  I am hoping to have a daily entry while i complete my challenge.

Monday, April 4, 2016

45!

I know it's been a while since I last posted.  I haven't had much to say.  Things have been very hard for me since the miscarriage last year.  I was in a dark, anxious place and was having a really tough time pulling myself out of it.  I hadn't had AF since the cycle right after my mc last May.  I was walking around anxious that I was going to have a heart attack and die. And, the pounds have just piled on. It was awful.  I finally went to my Dr and was prescribed Anti-anxiety meds. She also said I was extremely low in vitamins D and B12. Well, after a couple of months taking the drugs and the supplements I am finally feeling like me again.  The anxiety is almost gone, the health anxiety is almost gone and AF has returned.  Crazy, right?!

For the most part, I have moved past the mc.  I still get sad sometimes and when that happens I acknowledge, feel what I need to feel and then move on.  I am getting there.

H and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary in the fall...Around Valentine's day, he gave me a new diamond engagement ring.  It is truly beautiful and I love it (and him for keeping a promise he made to me when we got engaged).

I am writing because I am turning 45 tomorrow.  I cannot believe I am this old; time just flies by.  I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Ambivalent at best.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone checks in on my little corner of the web anymore, but if you do know that I think of you often.