Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Quick Update

Of course my body is not co-operating now that I have decided to go forward with a FET.

Oh, sorry! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Let me back up a step or two. Christmas was a ton of fun for G this year. She totally gets the whole Santa thing and was so excited for him to come to our house. Unfortunately I ate something weird on Christmas Eve and got a lovely gastro attack. It ruined Christams day for  me - I didn't end up going to Christmas dinner.

We don't have any plans for New Years this year - usually we go to the Toronto Zoo where they have a kids' new years event, but not so this year. We are going to head out and watch the Penguins of the Madagascar later today. I will buy some appies for dinner, we have some sparkling wine and assuming we make it to New Years we'll have that to celebrate with.

Anyway, now back to my screwy body! I am supposed to start taking BCP as soon as I get my period. Well, I haven't really had a period in a while. When we were in Jamaica in November I had some spotting and since then that's been it. It's been over a month since then. I guess I'm into early menopause/perimenopause right now. I know I'm not pregnant.

The clinic told me to let them know if I still hadn't got it by the end of December and then they would give me further instructions from there. I emailed today and my consultant is out of the office until Monday so now I just wait in limbo.

With all of this waiting I have been having some second thoughts about going through with this. Do I really want to be 50 with a 5 or 6 year old? I am scared of the unknown. But, I want to try to have one more. I still want to do it.

Anyway, that's my quick update. I hope the holiday season is treating you well!

Wishing you a prosperous, healthy & happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Feeling Joyful

I told H this morning on our way to work that I am feeling so excited about trying again. This is different than in the past. Last year at around this time we started thinking about going the FET route and I was happy, but I had a lot of questions about what could happen, what could go wrong etc. I wasn't able to get past them to seeing what I really wanted.

A lot of those same questions are there, but the regret of not trying really outweighs them.

This isn't a sure thing by any means; there's about a 30% chance for success. The freezing technique that they used is pretty old school which doesn't help. I have to research what that does to the quality of the embryos. They had a policy of only freezing the very best graded embryos - on our fresh cycle we got 7 eggs, 5 made it to 5 day blasts, we transferred 2 and the 3 remaining all made it to freeze.
So, that makes me hopeful that they will survive thaw.

H. will not be travelling with me, so there could be quite a quandary if all 3 survive thaw. I will have to decide how many to transfer... after our last experience I am a little gun shy about transferring more than one. I guess I will cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant and eventually have a healthy baby, then Little G will have a sibling that matches her genetically. Same donor etc. It would be great for her to have a sibling she can turn to that is the same as her.

You can't dictate how siblings will interact, but I hope that if there is a sibling for her, that they will be in each other's lives as they grow up and are adults.

All this is to say that I am excited and happy about going forward. I know there could be a big fall in the future if this doesn't work, but for now I'm content to feel how I feel.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Ahem. I Am Back (again)

You know how you make a decision, think you're ok with that decision then every so often something pops up and you think "wouldn't that be nice". Well, I have been having those thoughts.

And, as it turns out, my husband 'H' has also been having those thoughts. I know what you're thinking - been there done that. You've been on this ride before with me, but this time... this time... it's different.

H and I were chatting last week about whether we ever wish we had more kids. We both said yes. great about things; he has always wanted a big family, but since we can't have kids the old fashioned way he has deferred to me and how I am feeling. I have always been reticent. You know - why rock the boat.

I can give you a list the length of my arm why I think we shouldn't try again - my age, the unknown, it may not work, we are in a good spot financially. etc. etc.

But...there's this tiny voice in the back of my head...what if.

So, I jumped in on Friday. I emailed H at work and told him let's go for it. I looked up prices for flights and emailed the clinic. I am going to go near the end of February. I already have a hotel booked in Prague.

This is crazy. There's a part of me that is very scared of the risks and the unknown, but there's a bigger part of me that can't live with, doesn't want to live with, the regret of not trying.

It may not work, but I have to try.

My mother is not supportive of me trying again. She thinks I'm too old, it's too risky and she doesn't like the odds of multiples. So, I am taking the very mature step of not including her in the decision. We will tell her that I am away on business and if things work out, then we'll tell her when we're ready.

I hope to be posting here a lot more about this. DE FET. Wow.