Saturday, April 18, 2015

Follow Up

I had my follow up ultrasound this week- there is a small piece of retained tissue but my dr is not worried about it.  She thinks that it will be cleared out with my next cycle.

I am disappointed that it is not over. Emotionally I am doing ok and physically I am good. I still get hit with the occasional crying jag, but for the most part I am good. I was just really hoong to be able to close this chapter and move forward with our lives. Just par for the course that my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do.

It is so frustrating.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I do think of you.

I saw this article posted on the PVED facebook page:!To-The-Families-I-Helped-Create/c23rm/550ae5f90cf292acc4b8695a

It is an interesting article from the viewpoint of an egg donor wondering about the families she may have helped create. She asked if we ever think about her and her role in helping to create our families; so here is my response.

Yes, I think of you often. Well not you precisely, but the woman who was our egg donor. I wonder what led to her decision to donate, she was 29 at the time she donated for us and was already a proven donor. We got so little information about her, that I truly wonder what she was like. Does she have a sense of humour, does she like to dance, is she kind, does she think about the families she has assisted? So many questions. I wonder if my daughter will want to meet her or know more information about her and how I will explain the anonymous nature of the donation. I wonder if my daughter looks like her.

Mostly when I think of her I am thankful, because without her I would not have my family.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hanging in There

I am doing ok.  The bleeding is finally slowing down; I just pray that when we go to the u/s that there is nothing retained.  Emotionally I have my good moments and bad moments.  Tonight Little G asked if she could help teach her friend's baby brother things because that is what big sisters are supposed to do.  It broke my heart.

It is just not fair.  What is the point of going through this? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I mean, I already learned the life is not fair lesson when I was trying for Little G. I went through the anger at myself and my body for not working the way it was supposed to. But now what? Who is there to be mad at in this scenario? I mean other than the universe.

I can look at the situation and see the positives. Financially we are so much better off having only one child. We can do so much more. It is easier to find care for one child rather than many. Etc. etc. But none of that takes the place of my child.

Even after all we have been through, and knowing my age, there is still this part of my brain that thinks irrationally that we could get pg on our own.

I need to just close the door on all of those thoughts and deal with what is.  We have a wonderful little girl and a good life.  We are actually very lucky. I think I just have to put my head down and count my blessings and stop wanting more.