Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hanging in There

I am doing ok.  The bleeding is finally slowing down; I just pray that when we go to the u/s that there is nothing retained.  Emotionally I have my good moments and bad moments.  Tonight Little G asked if she could help teach her friend's baby brother things because that is what big sisters are supposed to do.  It broke my heart.

It is just not fair.  What is the point of going through this? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I mean, I already learned the life is not fair lesson when I was trying for Little G. I went through the anger at myself and my body for not working the way it was supposed to. But now what? Who is there to be mad at in this scenario? I mean other than the universe.

I can look at the situation and see the positives. Financially we are so much better off having only one child. We can do so much more. It is easier to find care for one child rather than many. Etc. etc. But none of that takes the place of my child.

Even after all we have been through, and knowing my age, there is still this part of my brain that thinks irrationally that we could get pg on our own.

I need to just close the door on all of those thoughts and deal with what is.  We have a wonderful little girl and a good life.  We are actually very lucky. I think I just have to put my head down and count my blessings and stop wanting more.

1 comment:

  1. wowow, don't be so hard on yourself! Being mad is part of the grieving, and grieving is part of the loss. Loss of a dream for a family, a sibling. The pregnancy is/was real, the loss is real, the grief is real. It is OK to feel sad and bad, it is normal that it takes time. (No normal person endures a miscarriage saying how very lucky they are)
    Even though there are no answers, it will still take time for the questions to fade. You've learned that lesson too...