Wednesday, March 14, 2012

On the mend (again)

Little G is now getting over her 4th ear infection since the middle of January. I have been taking her to a walk-in cinic nearer to her daycare/our home and they keep putting her on different kinds of antibiotics. I am starting to get a little worried about her having a problem with chronic ear infections so I took her to my family doctor. Who was of no help at all. My dr. basically made me feel like a nervous mother. But, I know this isn't normal. The next one she gets I am demanding a referral to an E.N.T. specialist.

I had a weekend off my diet and am finding it a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. It was my Mom's birthday and Little G and I went to stay with my parents' for the weekend. We ate a bunch of delicious food and now I am trying to get back into my healthy eating. We went to an amazing restaurant for my Mom's birthday. I ordered Chi.leanSea Bass that came with a creamy shrimp sauce and was served over two giant raviolis stuffed with portebello mushroom. I found out later that Chil.eanSea Bass is actually an endangered species (or close to it). I did feel guilty once I knew and had I known previously I would not have ordered it. I will say it was delicious. Little G loved it too. Right, though, back to healthy eating. I have been a little more on plan today, but my goal is to be back on track fully by Friday. If it happens before then that would be great too.

Monday, March 5, 2012


When i had the G, I started thinking about the kind of mother I want to be for her. I started thinking about what kind of example I can be for her. And it made me take a long hard look at myself. Like D.r.Phi.l likes to say the same sex parent has the most influence on the child.

There were a couple of things that I could see that would set a good example for her. The first was finishing my bachelor's degree. I started back in 1990, through a series of bumps in the road I left school after my second year. In 1997 I went back to school this time at a different university and was going to school full time Monday to Wednesday while working Thursday to Saturday or Sunday. The place I was working offered me a full time job at a good wage and I took it. So, I dropped out, again.

A few years ago, I looked into my original school and found out that they had a distance education degree in Adult Education. As a happy coincidence, I happened to have been working as a corporate trainer already. It seemed like fate. When I got pregnant I needed two courses to complete my degree. During my pregnancy I took two half courses and then took almost a full year to start my final course. I finished that course in December and my graduation is set for June 6th. It only took 22 years, but I will finally have my degree. A B. of Ed. in Adult Education. I am pretty proud of myself for seeing this through and think that G will think I did a good thing too when she's old enough to understand.

The other thing I really want to do for her is to present a healthy Mom. I used to be a very active person, but lately I am more like a slug. Before getting pregnant, I was almost at my highest weight ever. Due to extreme nausea and morning sickness, and perhaps healthier eating, I actually only gained 3lbs for my entire pregnancy. I guess G was fed off of my fat stores. After giving birth, I lost around 29lbs in about two to three weeks. Slowly that weight crept back up and I gained almost 15lbs of it back. I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and joined a doctor supervised weight loss program. It is pretty limiting in what you can eat and how many calories you have a day because it is designed to get the weight off quickly. I am down almost 20lbs now. I still have around 55lbs to go, but I am on my way to being a healthier example for my daughter. In addition to the diet, I am starting going to on Monday nights with a co-worker. I can't wait to start.

There are other things that I want to improve upon. I want to be a more positive person; H and I tend to complain about things when in fact we have things pretty good. I don't want G to be that way.

Of course, I have to stop swearing so much. She's almost talking now, so I better get that under control before there's a little parrot following me around.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Is one enough?

I am still grieving the loss of our twins; I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move on from having to make that decision. After having struggled for so long to get pregnant, only to lose 2 of our 3 babies was so painful and unfair. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful the healthy, happy little girl that we have. She is the light of our lives. I just feel like we were shafted out of our complete family.

H and I have gone back and forth and back again on whether we want to try and have another baby. We have three frozen embryos still waiting for us in the Czech Republic. Financially, it would be a burden and sacrifice to have another child. We would have to stay in our little home and make do with it the way it is right now (one bathroom, two bedrooms). Putting two kids in daycare is very expensive where we live. I am not sure how we would pay for that. We both would need to make significantly more money.

Having one child makes things a lot easier. There are two of us so we outnumber her. People are more willing to babysit if there is just one kid. It is easier to travel or go out for dinner or any number of things.

Then there are our ages; I’m turning 41 this year and H is turning 44. If we wait too much longer, I feel like we’ll be too old to deal with the newborn sleeplessness. I already feel like an old mom.

But, there is this sense in me that our family is not complete. Part of it may be due to losing the twins and trying to re-capture the family we should have had. But, there is more to it. I want Little G to have a sibling. I want her to have a pal for life. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that just because people are siblings it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be friends. I want her to at least have that opportunity.

Sigh. But then I go back to what we can do for G if there aren’t other kids around. We can put her in private school and make sure she can have the afterschool programs she’s interested in. We can travel with her and introduce the world to her.

I don’t know what to do or what I want. At any given moment, my answer is different. When I started writing, I was sure that I wanted to at least try for another, but then the practical side of me takes over and I think financially we’re better off with one.

It’s the intangibles that get me. What will we as a family get out of having more than one child? How will Little G benefit or be harmed by having a sibling?

Then I think about when I am old and looking back over my life. Will I regret not having tried with our remaining embryos? I think so. Is that enough a reason to try?

I guess I’m asking the Mom’s out there who stopped at one. (if there’s anyone reading) What were your reasons? How did you make this decision?