Monday, September 28, 2015

Looking Forward

I am really trying to look forward and to make steps to changing myself. It's tough. I feel like I have split personalities. Half of me is eager to live a healthier life, be active and feel strong; the other half of me lacks motivation and sits on the couch watching tv. Guess which side is winning?

I am making steps to move forward; I have joined a group that focuses on 6 small habits that contribute to creating consistency and a non-judgmental relationship with food. The first habit is to commit to tracking what I eat for two weeks - it's not about whether I'm eating too many/not enough calories; it will make me aware of what I'm eating and when.

I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.

Speaking of looking forward, I have a girls weekend on the 24th of October. That is the weekend that the baby would have been due. I am glad that I will be surrounded by friends (likely full of alcohol) to pass that awful weekend.

Friday, September 4, 2015

New Beginnings!

I changed the look of my blog - I just couldn't stand the pink for another second! Blah. I also changed my tag line.

I have to start to putting myself back together and it starts now. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been. Miscarriage and infertility have wreaked havoc with my body and my emotions. Enough is enough.  It's time to make myself a priority. In the past, I would have sat down and made a plan. Got out my spreadsheet and tracked days, calories, activities until one day I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I would fall hard. Now, I have discovered a group of people who are advocating loving yourself well. Mind blowing. 

I now understand the damage that my dieting history has done to my body and my thinking around food. I am now just eating the food. It doesn't mean going crazy and eating everything and anything, but it does mean paying attention to my body. Re-learning my hunger signals. Eating intuitively. It also means incorporating intentional exercise back into my life.

I'm just at the beginning and am taking baby steps. It's been really hard to find motivation; I was beginnning to worry that I was suffering a depression that I wouldn't bounce out of on my own. But, I feel things shifting - there is light where it was just gray before.

At one point, close after the miscarriage, I just wanted to change everything in my life.  I wanted to quit my job, sell our house and move somewhere fresh and new. I would love to live near the ocean. My husband didn't realize how serious I was about things; he just laughed it off. And, I let him. I must have known that it was a reaction to everything I cannot change in my life.

So today, I am trying to love myself again. I have processed my brother's announcement and am happy for them. Now I am trying to find something to look forward to - I think the first thing will be a trip back to Jamaica.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Another Poor Me Post

I dropped into visit my parents with Little G on the weekend after a trip to the zoo in their city.  As I had settled in my Mom says so what do you think of  P &A's news?  I had no idea what she was talking about, but quickly guessed that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby.  She is due in April.  They will have two under two.  I haven't felt that blind-sided by an announcement in a while.

I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came.  G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.

I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.

Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be.  30 weeks.  I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day.  I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed.  All I can process is that it is just not fair.

I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else.  I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement.  I don't actually want two dogs.  So, I need to find something else.  I feel like I am having a midlife crisis.  I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.

Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things.  One foot in front of the other.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

What Should Have Been

5 years ago, I was pregnant with Little G and as luck would have it one of my favourite cousins was also pregnant.  She was due in October and I in December.  We each had a daughter, who are now besties.  Fast forward to this year, she told me she was pregnant again and then a couple of months later I was pregnant.  Her due date was August and mine late October/early November.  It was like it was meant to be. In the wee hours of today, my cousin delivered her second daughter. She was 3 weeks early and her daughter is a gorgeous bundle at 9lb 14oz.

I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me.  of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.

Sigh.  I am working on it.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Finally Feeling Normal

I finally got my first period post-miscarriage last week and am feeling a lot better. I have done a lot of healing.

Little G still wants a sibling, she asked again the other day in the car why we're not having another baby. I told her that I don't have any good eggs left; then she said "why don't you go back to the lady who gave you me and get eggs from her?" I said that she doesn't have any good eggs anymore either. We're all out of eggs. It was a little heart-breaking, but I think it's starting to sink in that there won't be any more babies in our house.

Other than that we just keep moving forward. Little G finished JK on June 25th, so I took the last week off with her. We went to my brother's cottage, to a petting zoo, to a baseball game, out for lunch, to a wading pool and park. We saw the movie Inside Out. It was a great week. I head back to work tomorrow and she starts camp.  We'll all (H, me, Little G) take a week together at the beginning of August and then H will take another week off at the beginning of September with Little G by himself.

I think it's going to be a fun and busy summer.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Still Mourning

I am sad that I will never again get that secret smile and quickening in my belly when I think to myself "i am pregnant"

I will never again watch my belly grow and feel my body change and know that it is because a little being is growing.

I will never experience any of thenlittle things that go along with being pregnant nor feel the excitement of waiting to meet my child.

I will never hold an infant of my own in my arms again.

I am still mourning the loss of our baby and am mourning what might have been; what will never be.

We could not have been graced with a better kid than Little G. She is awesome and my heart swells with pride and love when I think about her or just see her running around. I know how lucky I am and for the most part that is what I focus on.  Yet, I am still mourning.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Follow Up

I had my follow up ultrasound this week- there is a small piece of retained tissue but my dr is not worried about it.  She thinks that it will be cleared out with my next cycle.

I am disappointed that it is not over. Emotionally I am doing ok and physically I am good. I still get hit with the occasional crying jag, but for the most part I am good. I was just really hoong to be able to close this chapter and move forward with our lives. Just par for the course that my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do.

It is so frustrating.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I do think of you.

I saw this article posted on the PVED facebook page:!To-The-Families-I-Helped-Create/c23rm/550ae5f90cf292acc4b8695a

It is an interesting article from the viewpoint of an egg donor wondering about the families she may have helped create. She asked if we ever think about her and her role in helping to create our families; so here is my response.

Yes, I think of you often. Well not you precisely, but the woman who was our egg donor. I wonder what led to her decision to donate, she was 29 at the time she donated for us and was already a proven donor. We got so little information about her, that I truly wonder what she was like. Does she have a sense of humour, does she like to dance, is she kind, does she think about the families she has assisted? So many questions. I wonder if my daughter will want to meet her or know more information about her and how I will explain the anonymous nature of the donation. I wonder if my daughter looks like her.

Mostly when I think of her I am thankful, because without her I would not have my family.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Hanging in There

I am doing ok.  The bleeding is finally slowing down; I just pray that when we go to the u/s that there is nothing retained.  Emotionally I have my good moments and bad moments.  Tonight Little G asked if she could help teach her friend's baby brother things because that is what big sisters are supposed to do.  It broke my heart.

It is just not fair.  What is the point of going through this? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I mean, I already learned the life is not fair lesson when I was trying for Little G. I went through the anger at myself and my body for not working the way it was supposed to. But now what? Who is there to be mad at in this scenario? I mean other than the universe.

I can look at the situation and see the positives. Financially we are so much better off having only one child. We can do so much more. It is easier to find care for one child rather than many. Etc. etc. But none of that takes the place of my child.

Even after all we have been through, and knowing my age, there is still this part of my brain that thinks irrationally that we could get pg on our own.

I need to just close the door on all of those thoughts and deal with what is.  We have a wonderful little girl and a good life.  We are actually very lucky. I think I just have to put my head down and count my blessings and stop wanting more.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

It's Started

Despite doubling my progesterone, spotting has started today. Light pink, barely there, but it's started. I am sad and not sure how to process everything I'm feeling. There's guilt, sadness, anger, you name it. Little G has stopped asking questions about the baby. She's resilient.

I have been thinking about it... this baby gave me a gift. I got to see what an amazing, loving sister Little G would be. She was so excited, interested and loving towards it. Drawing pictures of our family and planning for the future. It was wonderful to see. I also got the surprise pregnancy announcement I had always longed for. There was joy.

My heart is breaking, but even for the short time it was with us this baby was loved and a gift.

Monday, March 23, 2015

It's Hard

Little G knows about the pregnancy and every night when we go to bed we talk about when the baby comes and what stage of development that we are at.  Tonight she was full of the same kinds of questions and I tried to put on a brave face. We don't want to tell her anything until we know for sure, but the questions are like little shards of glass piercing my heart. So I told her that the baby is very sick and that I have an appointment next week with the doctor next week to see if the baby is going to be ok. I told her that there isn't a lot that we can do for the baby right now and that it might die.

She knows about death because our dog died last year.

It is so hard. We feel so stupid having told her this early...having told everyone this early.  But, everything seemed to have lined up so perfectly that we felt confident.


And, then there is the hope. Raising its ugly, unwanted head. Whispering in my ear that maybe everything will be ok. Maybe by next week there will be more growth that things will have worked themselves out. Stupid.

This morning walking back from Gigi's school I almost threw up.  So am I just imagining things?  Oh, and for good measure, I took a pregnancy test today.  The line was there the moment the pee hit it.  If the baby stopped growing two weeks ago shouldn't it have taken some time for the line to show?


Measuring 5 Weeks

Had my u/s this morning. I am measuring 5 weeks when I should be 7 weeks-ish. Not good news.

Have spoken with my Dr. and I am stopping progesterone/estrogen and am just going to let my body take over. I have a repeat u/s for next week just to confirm there is no further growth.

We are devastated.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

We're Back!

We're back from a great trip in Florida! While there we went to watch a Blue Jays game (Jays vs Yankees) and a hockey game (Tampa vs Montrea). We swam every day, walked the beach, watched the Manatees, met family, went to the Aquarium and hung out with my folks. It was great.

I didn't get into the details of how we told my parents. Little G has been drawing stick figure pictures and before we went to Florida she had drawn a picture of our family. It showed H, Little G, and me. When she drew me, she had drawn a little stick figure baby in the middle of my dress. She gave the picture to her Grandpa, and pointed out who everyone was "There's Daddy, there's me, there's Mommy and the baby in her tummy" My Mom laughed and said "ya right" to that. I said, she's serious I'm pregnant and then my Mom teared up and my Dad held my hand.

I wish I had taken a picture of the drawing so I could post it here.

Now we're back and it feels like we were never away. It's cold here still although not a deep freeze anymore. I'm so ready for some good, warm weather!

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I Told Her!

Well we told my parents yesterday that we are expecting in November!  It went really well. My Mom was happy and got teary eyed. I am glad it went so well.

We are in Florida staying with them. Had a great day at the pool and at the beach. Little G is loving itand wants to swim all day long.

Anyway, better run...

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Tested Again

Yesterday I was positive I wasn't pregnant any longer, so I POAS - still glaringly positive. The hcg line coming up before the control line. So I had a bit of a sigh of relief.

Fran, you asked me when my u/s is. It is scheduled for Monday March 25th. I am counting down the days.

Valery, you were wondering if I have any siblings. I have one brother who is almost a decade younger than me. Both of us were "surprises" that my Mom was not particularly happy about at first. For reasons that I won't go into, she didn't really want any kids, so she doesn't get the ache that I had/have for children. I mean, philosophically she gets it, but not on a level that she can empathize with.

She is a great Mom and has told me that although she was shocked, scared etc that once she got used to the idea she definitely was happy about it. And, once I was in her arms, she was in love.

I think she'll just need to get used to the idea and then everything will be fine.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

It's Here! ( A Quicky)

My meds came in the mail today! Now I won't run out of estrogen/progesterone. One less thing to worry about.

Monday, March 9, 2015


I feel like I'm doing everything that a seasoned IFer would not do when getting a BFP. I have already told my group of friends (I was at an outing, not drinking and just blurted it out).  It was fun telling them, but I feel like I'm tempting fate a little bit considering I just hit 5 weeks over the weekend.

I have not told my parents as of yet. We will be visiting them on Friday and we will tell them at that time. I'm kind of dreading it. My Mom wasn't very supportive when this topic came up the last year. She's scared for me. Thinks that I do too much, get too stressed out and that physically it would be too hard on me. I know that her concern came from a place of love, but I'm 43 years old and she still treats me like a dumb, teenager. Sigh. I can hear the disappointment in her voice already just thinking about how she'll respond. I hope it's not too contentious for us. We're supposed to be staying with them and if it gets too heated I feel like we'll want to just ditch them.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. She could actually surprise me.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

All pee'd Out

Today I am 11DP6DT or 4 weeks 3 days and I have pee'd on yet another pee stick. The total is 5. All say the same thing and the line gets slightly darker every day. I went to see my Dr yesterday for betas, but we decided that we wouldn't do any blood work. I have all of these positive pee sticks and that's good enough for me. I think I have to stop peeing on things now though.

My Dr. gave me a new prescription for my GERD meds because what I was on is contraindicated for pregnancy. Although I did some research about it and found that while it is contraindicated some research has been done and it may actually be okay. If these meds don't do it for me, I will talk to my Dr about going back on my old stuff. She also gave me a requisition for a dating u/s - likely to be done after March 21st and finally she referred me to the OBGYN that delivered Little G. So things are good.

As far as symptoms go, I think the weirdest one is irritability. I am flying off the handle like you wouldn't believe. It's like an extreme case of PMS and I am powerless to stop it in the moment. I am really tired at night, have some bloating but very little nausea to date. As for cravings/food aversions, I am craving salty foods, I want protein; sweets don't really appeal to me.

I hope you like the ticker I added. I think it's pretty cool to know what's happening to the embryo on a daily basis.

Monday, March 2, 2015


I tested again this morning and had another positive.  It was slightly darker than yesterday's but I am not going to worry about it.

Little G keeps asking me why we wanted another baby and when the baby will be born.  She keeps lifting my shirt to look at my belly. And, this morning I woke up and she was sleeping on the floor beside my bed. She is so excited!

Valery, Thanks for the offer of the meds.  I bought some more progesterone when I was in Brno, so I have 26-ish days of it.  I have approx 10 more days of estrogen, so hopefully the pharmacy in Brno will be able to get it to me quickly.

I am having some symptoms I think.  Lots of cramping and stretching today, as well as really, really sore breasts.  There is also a touch of nausea.  I wonder if I will be as sici this time as I was with Little G?

Sunday, March 1, 2015


I am sure I have written about my aversion to pee sticks given that I have never seen a positive pee stick. Here's where I confess - I actually pee'd on one at 3dp6dt. And it was a glaring negative - which anyone would expect.

So, I didn't want to pee on anything until I had let enough time pass.

This afternoon at 3:20pm ET, I pee'd on a stick and say my first positive ever!!!

The FET worked. I was gob-smacked. I saw a shadow of a line as the pee travelled past the window and then saw it turn pink. I called H into the bathroom, showed him the peestick and then we hugged. I was shaking and teary.

We also told Little G today, we figured we will tell her and if anything goes wrong we will just explain it to her.She is so excited - she keeps following me around and putting her hand on my belly.

Now I need to figure out how to get meds to me to help support this pregnancy.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

One week down

Well, I am one week out from transfer, so I guess that makes me 7DP6DT.

My boobs are really sore in the afternoon, but by bedtime they get a little better.  Today my sense of smell was in overdrive and I had a bout of nausea. I don't think I have had any cramping type sensations, but there has been a feeling of fullness- that was earlier in the week.

I am really irritable which I think is due mainly to the meds that I am on.

I go back and forth all day from being sure I am pregnant to being sure that I am not.  The 2WW is still no fun.

I have a conundrum, I have meds to last me to beta, but not beyond.  My dr won't help me here so I have to order meds from the CR.  They will take 10 days or so to get here.  And, I don't want to order them if I don't need to.  So what do i do?

Saturday, February 21, 2015


All three embryos survived thaw although one was not good enough to transfer. I asked to have only one transferred. The other two were discarded. Not sure how I feel about that now.

The transfer was smooth and I was in and out of the clinic in an hour. I also got crinone while I was there. I would prefer that once a day rather than 4 little pellets twice a day.

I can test after 14 days on a POAS or beta in 12.

Now for the infernal two week wait!

Friday, February 20, 2015

I'm Here

It feels completely surreal to be here by myself!

The bus from Vienna to here was long and crowded.It was also almost half an hour late arriving in Brno. Argh!

I am just settling in for tonight and in less than 24 hours I will be PUPO!!!

By the way my room is pretty swanky. Going to try to post some picture.

In the UK

Here I am sitting in Heathrow Airport waiting for my connecting flight to Vienna. I am exhausted. I didn't sleep much on the overnight flight and as a result I am falling asleep sitting upright in one of the seating areas in Terminal 3.

I flew premium economy whihc gave me more leg room and a wider seat. It was definitely woth the extra money.

I am having a hard time even keeping my eyes open as I type this.  In approx 8 hours I will be in Brno.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Leaving Tonight

I can't believe the day is here for me to leave for Brno. Travel time is 16 hours all told, but with time change it will be closer to 22. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

It is such a whirlwind of a trip that I'm intimidated by it. I am second guessing myself and think I should have added in an extra day just to relax. Oh well. We're here now!

Transfer is 9:30am Czech time on Saturday.

Wish me luck!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Three more sleeps

Three more sleeps and I will be jetting off to Brno to attempt to get pregnant again. Everything has been moving along so smoothly it make me question if it's going to work. My contact at the clinic even used the word "perfect" to describe my lining.

It just feels weird. I have heard so many women talk about having "perfect cycles" or "perfect BDing" etc only to end up disappointed.

Anyway, I started the progesterone today. The kind they gave me are the little pellet-sized ones... I have to do 4 up the wazoo 2 times per day. Yuck! The things we do...

Friday, February 13, 2015

One Week Today

Time is surely flying! One week today I leave for Brno. It still doesn't feel real.

I have an appointment for an ultrasound this afternoon to check my lining. Hopefully it is thick enough to merit going next week. Transfer is scheduled for Saturday the 21st, so if my lining is good, I start adding progesterone to the mix on Feb 16th.

My mind has been bouncing all over the place. I am really stressed right now and it is making me doubt my ability to parent another child. I know this is a temporary thing, but I am at my wit's end.

Our basement has been under renovation since last October. My father in law lives in our basement. So, right now he is in my daughter's room and Little G is in our bedroom on the floor (we live in a 2 bedroom 1.5 storey home). My father in law acts like a guest and expects to be waited on hand and foot. DH had oral surgery this week and now is an invalid. Then I have a 4 year old. I am the only one responsible for everything and I can't take much more of it.

The basement is > < this close to being done.

We are now on the hunt for a different contractor to work on our home - we want to add a dormer to the house and add a bathroom and bedroom upstairs. This is yet another project that I am leading.

So. I am done. Tired. Spent.

It can only get better from here!

ETA. I had my u/s and my lining is 9 mm. Yay! It needs to be over 7mm by transfer day.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

A Meme from the Stirrup Queen

1. When was the last time you cut your hair? Did you like the haircut?
Approx. 2 months ago... yes, I liked it.
2. Grapes with seeds or seedless?
3. When was the last time you went to a fancy party? What did you wear?
I went to a wedding last May and wore a black cocktail dress.
4. What colour is your bedroom wall?
5. The worst smell in the world is…
Dollarama sells these little balls for kids that are supposed to look like pieces of fruit. They are scented. I find the smell of these balls completely disgusting.
6. Last thing you spat out.
Phlegm - just getting over a cold.
7. Do you sing when no one is around? What do you usually sing?
Yes. Whatever is playing on the radio.
8. Your least favourite name (and it’s okay if it’s Melissa; I can take it).
9. Did you like the food served at the last dinner party you went to?
10. What is your most prized possession? Would you kill a unicorn in order to save your most prized possession?
I can't think of a most prized possession. We have lots of nice things. I have old photos that I would hate to lose, but nothing that would change my life not to have.
The most important person to me in the world is my daughter and I would gladly kill a million unicorns if it meant I would keep her safe.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Moving Forward

Today has been a busy day; I have taken care of the following things:

Ø  Made appointment with my dr. to get referral for ultrasound
Ø  Booked flights to/from Vienna
Ø  Booked bus transfers to/from Brno
Ø  Booked hotel in Brno
I vacillate between being extremely excited to go and being sure it’s not going to work. Either way, I am glad that we are doing this. No regrets!

Recently Little G has been really interested in babies. She is watching birthing videos on youtube (not the really graphic stuff – they are basically shot at the head of the woman), watching videos about babies, playing with babies and acting as a big cousin to my brother’s little girl. She loves helping her cousin (who is 6 months old) be bathed or just rubbing her head. I think she’s the perfect age to have a sibling.  I wonder if we’re successful how jealous she will be.

I am 9 years older than my brother and once he came along I stopped playing with dolls and wanted nothing to do with babies. I hope Little G doesn’t go through something like that (if we’re lucky enough to be successful).

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Eagle Has Landed!

Right on schedule, AF arrived today! Things are going exactly as planned which makes me feel slightly superstitious. With a date to work towards I can now book my flights. This is really happening!

Next steps:
1. Get the signed forms to the clinic
2. Book flights
3. Meet my GP to get a requisition for an ultrasound on CD13/14


Friday, January 30, 2015


Still waiting for AF to appear. It's only been a couple of days, so I'm not stressed about it at all. (yet)

Here's the general medicated FET schedule:

CD1 to CD14 - Estrogen, 2mg 3 times per day
CD14 - Ultrasound to measure lining, if over 7mm then...
CD15 to CD19(or to CD21) - Estrogen, 2mg, 3 times per day, then progesterone 2 times per day  400mg in the am and pm.
CD19 to CD21 - Transfer day happens on any of these days.

So assuming that I get AF tomorrow, transfer would be on Feb 18 to Feb 20. My preference would be to get my period on Sunday Feb 1st. That way transfer could be on Saturday Feb 20th and I would only miss 2 days of work. 

I would only be gone 4 days. Fly our Thursday, arrive in Brno on Friday (Feb 19th), transfer on Saturday, fly home Sunday. Not too much to ask, right?

On a completely different note, baby girl has been born. I don't know how much she weighed, but she was 24 weeks 6 days when she was born. She is in the NICU now and as of the last update is doing remarkably well. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hurry Up and Wait

The old familiarity of cycling is coming back to me. Today I am reminded of the hurry up and wait sensation that accompanies cycling.  I took my last progesterone pill today; now I just wait for AF to arrive.  Once It gets here I will begin taking Estrogen three times a day. And before I know it I will be on my way to Brno. Now the decision is whether I should go through Vienna or Prague.  I am leaning towards Vienna because I have already been to Prague.

Oh, another update on my friend.  Baby girl is still hanging in there. 24 weeks, 4 days.  I am praying that baby stays put for as long as she safely can.

Monday, January 26, 2015

#microblog monday

It is weird being back on the infertility rollercoaster. Package came from Brno on time – YAY! What if progesterone doesn’t work? Boo. Found my luck earrings – YAY It must be a sign! What if the embryos don’t survive thaw? Boo. The good (?) thing is knowing that this won’t be a years long process, if we do not have success after this cycle we are done.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Friend - Update

A quick, happy update about my friend.  Baby girl is still hanging on and they officially reached viability today. One hurdle down!

Every day inside means more development for the little one and a better chance once she is born.

Thank-you for keeping them in your thoughts and prayers.  They aren't out of the woods yet, but they are definitely on their way.

ETA, just heard from my friend NICU was in to see her this morning, they told her that at 24 weeks, that hospital has a 90% survival rate. Such great news.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

It's Here!!!!!

I got home from work today and there was a notice on my door that I have a package to pick up at the post office. I instantly knew what it was - the estrogen & progesterone have made it here from Brno! I am on day 4 of 10 for progesterone. I was so worried it wouldn't get here in time or that it would be held at the border. Holy smokes, this is actually happening!!!!

Yesterday, Little G and I were chatting about one of the girls in her class and how she her Mom was having twins (I'll get back to that later). She asked me if I could have a baby because she really really wants to be a big sister. I am not telling her about going to Brno or that we are going to try again, so of course I said no. She was upset about it and kept asking me why not. So, I told her that she knows that it's hard for me to have babies and that my eggs aren't very good. She looked at me, and very logically told me that I should just go back to the store and get the same eggs that I got before from the lady so that we could have another baby. It was very cute and a little heartbreaking. I very badly want to give her a little brother or sister, but there are no guarantees.

Back to the twins thing - there are no twins, there is one new little baby brother for Little G's friend. So funny, the little girl was telling everyone that her Mom had twins. I met the Dad and his words were "thank the little baby Jesus, there's only one". LOL!

Back to my cycle... here is the way things are looking, I finish my progesterone on Tuesday Jan 27th. My period shoud start 3 to 5 days later (so let's say 3 for the sake of argument). I then take Estrogen for 14 days - ultrasound on day 14 - February 12th, based on the U/S results I start taking progesterone with my estrogen for 7 more days. On Feb 17 I fly to Brno, with the time change I arrive on Feb 18th, transfer on Feb 19th (assuming embryos survive thaw), travel to Prague on the 19th stay in posh hotel and fly home early Feb 20th.

Things will likely shift a little bit, but I hopefully will end up in Brno the week of the 18th.

Oh, and I should mention that I think the weird headaches etc that I was experiencing was from the progesterone. I didn't experience any weirdness today so I must be getting used to it.

Monday, January 19, 2015

#microblog mondays

I feel crappy this morning; wondering if it’s because I started progesterone last night or due to my lack of sleep. Maybe it’s a bit of column ‘a’ and column ‘b’.

Does progesterone make you nauseous and give you a headache?

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Progesterone number 1 Done

Tonight I took my first progesterone tablet out of 10. I was supposed to start it tomorrow night, but my body was acting like AF is on the way and I want to keep it at bay.  It just feels right. We are on the path to Brno...I am just hoping that all of the stars align so that we can go through the process smoothly.

Despite my earlier nonchalance I just realized how deeply invested I am.  If this doesn't work I am going to be devastated.  H is so excited and is definitely counting our chickens.  I am trying not to get too swept up.  I guess I am trying to mitigate the possible disappointment of a failed cycle.

From here on out, I will control what I can control and let go of those things I can't.

Friday, January 16, 2015

A Call for Prayers or Good Thoughts For a Friend

A very good friend of mine is going through a crisis right now.  We met online 8 years ago, when we were both at the beginning of our fertility journeys. You know my outcome, but her's is still ongoing. She got pregnant 3ish years ago and had a late term loss (around 21 weeks or so) and recently she became pregnant with boy/girl twins. Almost 3 years to the date of her miscarriage this pregnancy entered the same type of situation.  Her cervix opened fully - nothing to stitch closed. She is in the process of hoping to save the pregnancy and losing it.

Today she is exactly 23 weeks, she has been in the hospital for a little over a week and today she lost her baby boy. He fought galliantly once born, but ultimately lost his life.  7 short days before the medical staff could do anything for him.

Baby girl is holding on, but things do not look good. She needs to stay put for 7 more days.

My heart is breaking for my friend and her husband. Can you hold them in your thoughts, or pray for them if that's your thing?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Praying that my body stays broken until the cycle can start.

I am going to start the progesterone on Monday. It makes the most sense from a timing perspective. I am just praying that my body doesn't wake up and have my AF show up before I can start taking it.

I was thinking about the FET today and the odds of success. I know I will be ok either way; if it doesn't work I will have no regrets. I think if we had decide not to go for it, there may have been doubts.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Guess Work

I picked up my progesterone today. Yay! One hurdle crossed.

Where things get tricky is around the timing of when to take the progesterone. You see, since my family dr. will not prescribe the drugs for the treatment in Brno (no doctor will, not even at the fertility clinic) I have to order the drugs from the CR. They mailed them today - they will take 10 to 14 business days to get here.

I have to start taking estrogen on day one of my cycle. I will take the progesterone to bring on AF. It is 10 days of progesterone and then my period should start within 2 to 10 business days. So, I need to approximate when to take the progesterone so that day 1 does not happen before I get the delivery.

I'm worried that it won't work out properly. But, at this point, what can I do?

Originally I was hoping for a transfer on Feb 21st; it will likely happen the week after.

I just want a chance for this to work.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Progesterone is a Go

I am taking my progesterone starting tomorrow.  I don't know the regimen as she has prescribed it - she faxed the prescription in for me.  If it is the 10 days of pills and then wait for period then I think I will be able to go in February still for the FET.  I am not sure if I would even need to take BCP at this point.  Crazy!

Monday, January 12, 2015

#microblog mondays

On Reprofit's request, I have asked my Dr. for a course of progesterone to bring on my cycle. Next I will take BCP and we will truly be on the road to a FET.


Friday, January 9, 2015

Possibly, probably back in the game.

I got the results of my tests today. My lining was 8mm and I have what looks like a follicle on my left ovary. So, I'm not quite menopausal yet. My FSH was 42, but doesn't really mean all that much since we don't know what day of my cycle I'm on (certainly not day 3!)

I emailed Reprofit with the details of my blood work and ultrasound and now I wait. My consultant is on vacation today so I will hear back on Monday as to what the next steps are.

If I  have to go on BCP, my family dr. will not prescribe them without doing a round of progesterone to bring on my period. And, even then, she's not keen to do it. So, I'm going to go to a walk in and get it.

It is likely that the February date is not realistic so it will have to be moved, but I'm not giving up yet.

The plan was to go in February then if it worked I would be due in November. I would be 44 and all would be right in the world.

Well, if we push it back, then I will be in my 45th year and that just seems more daunting. Maybe we should do a March transfer and go for a December baby again. I don't know why it is such a big deal - it just is. It's a problem I hope to have!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Doom and Gloom

Still no AF in sight and I'm feeling gloomy.

I saw my Dr. yesterday and was sent for bloodwork and an ultrasound. She thinks it is likely that I'm entering menopause - but we can't fully diagnose it until there has been 1 full year without a period.

I explained about doing the FET and wanting to go on BCP. Well, she won't prescribe BCP for me while I do not have my period. Needless to say I was very disappointed with the outcome of my appointment with her.

At the ultrasound they wouldn't tell me anything, but there looked to be a large spot of endomitriosis on my uterus.  At least that's what I think it was, the U/S tech took lots of measurements of it. So, that looks like more great news. Did you know that sometimes csections can cause endometriosis? Yep - I googled it and there hasn't been formal studies of it, but there is some evidence to support that.

This FET is looking more and more unlikely.

ETA - I will get the results of these tests early next week.

Monday, January 5, 2015