Friday, March 2, 2012

Is one enough?

I am still grieving the loss of our twins; I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move on from having to make that decision. After having struggled for so long to get pregnant, only to lose 2 of our 3 babies was so painful and unfair. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful the healthy, happy little girl that we have. She is the light of our lives. I just feel like we were shafted out of our complete family.

H and I have gone back and forth and back again on whether we want to try and have another baby. We have three frozen embryos still waiting for us in the Czech Republic. Financially, it would be a burden and sacrifice to have another child. We would have to stay in our little home and make do with it the way it is right now (one bathroom, two bedrooms). Putting two kids in daycare is very expensive where we live. I am not sure how we would pay for that. We both would need to make significantly more money.

Having one child makes things a lot easier. There are two of us so we outnumber her. People are more willing to babysit if there is just one kid. It is easier to travel or go out for dinner or any number of things.

Then there are our ages; I’m turning 41 this year and H is turning 44. If we wait too much longer, I feel like we’ll be too old to deal with the newborn sleeplessness. I already feel like an old mom.

But, there is this sense in me that our family is not complete. Part of it may be due to losing the twins and trying to re-capture the family we should have had. But, there is more to it. I want Little G to have a sibling. I want her to have a pal for life. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that just because people are siblings it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be friends. I want her to at least have that opportunity.

Sigh. But then I go back to what we can do for G if there aren’t other kids around. We can put her in private school and make sure she can have the afterschool programs she’s interested in. We can travel with her and introduce the world to her.

I don’t know what to do or what I want. At any given moment, my answer is different. When I started writing, I was sure that I wanted to at least try for another, but then the practical side of me takes over and I think financially we’re better off with one.

It’s the intangibles that get me. What will we as a family get out of having more than one child? How will Little G benefit or be harmed by having a sibling?

Then I think about when I am old and looking back over my life. Will I regret not having tried with our remaining embryos? I think so. Is that enough a reason to try?

I guess I’m asking the Mom’s out there who stopped at one. (if there’s anyone reading) What were your reasons? How did you make this decision?


  1. As a new mother of twins, I'm not really in a position to answer your question. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're in this position; it's just unfair.

    Also, I think there isn't a "right" answer to this question. I have plenty of friends who are content to have one child, for the reasons you stated, and friends who chose to have two or more for other reasons. I think the fact of being able to make that choice is a key element in being content with your decision.

  2. Hi,
    Your story resonates with me so I feel compelled to write you! I had my first baby at age 40 years old after 2 miscarriages. My husband was 46 years old. We immediately started trying again and I got pregnant when my son was 8 months old and then went on to have another miscarriage. I then went on to get pregnant again when I was 41 years old and had my daughter at 42 years old. I did acupuncture and herbs to conceive my son and then herbs to conceive my daughter because I have extremely high FSH. I really wanted to have a sibling for my son because of my age and my husband's age. I am now 47 years old and my son is 7 years old and my daughter will be 5 years old in a few weeks. I am really glad I pushed for another child. My husband would have been quite happy with just one so I really had to push him to get on board. He is really happy I did! Go with your intuition! Talk it through with your hubby and he might just change his mind just like mine did! GL