Monday, December 19, 2016

Back and Forth

About a week ago, I was overcome by an aching, longing for a second child. It had been a while since I had felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart. I started crying and then went to find H to discuss how I was feeling.  I know, knew in that moment, that I don't have the energy to start from scratch again with a newborn, but thought if we could give G a sibling a couple of years younger than her  then it would be good.

So we opened the discussion of adopting an older child from our local child services organization.  I am now so torn about moving forward.  I don't know if I am built to be an adoptive mother.  Not sure if I am equipped to handle the special needs that most of these children have. The unknown scares me - what if the child and G don't mesh, what if this creates more problems than it fixes, what if the child doesn't he bond with us?

Here is the amazing thing. Once we had the conversation, and I had voiced my feelings, and we had agreed to look into adoption, then that hole went away.

Now I am wondering if I just needed to be reassured that adoption is a possibility.

I am coming here, to my little corner of the interwebs, to try to figure out my feelings.

Why do I want to adopt?
- We are financially and emotionally able to care for a second child
- My vision of our family has always had more than one child
- It would be good for G to have a sibling.
- I think a child would benefit from the love and support that we could offer

Why don't I want to adopt?
- Fear of messing up a good thing
- Financially, we are in a good place that includes being able to travel a couple of times a year. If we adopt that will change
- Fear of the unknown.

So much to think about; if anyone is reading and has some advice feel free to let me know!


  1. Such a personal decision for you and your husband. For context, I should tell you that I have wanted to adopt a slightly older child from foster care for years (pre-dating my marriage). However, my husband has serious reservations about doing so. His fears are centered mainly on the points that you mentioned: that he isn't sure he could bond with an adopted child, that he isn't prepared to meet the unique needs that a child adopted in those circumstances might have and (now that we have two children) that it would upset our family dynamics. I think that these are valid concerns.

    At least as of today, we have come down on the side of not going that route. Granted, our situation is a bit different in that we have twins, so our sons already have a sibling. . . but I think that we would still make the same decision if we had had only one child. (My husband is an only child whose parents are both only children, so I don't think he places a high value on providing children with a sibling.)

    The good thing about this option is that it isn't time limited. So you can continue to investigate and ponder until you come to a decision that feels right for your family.

  2. Hi,

    sorry i fell of the web for a bit.
    as you may remember I'm a parttime stepmom to two older boys. The younger one lives with his mother and visits every other weekend. The older moved in with us (and visits his mother)
    Of course this is not adoption, and I wouldn't know how open your adoption would be. But it makes my life complicated to have another mother to respect and take into account. It has been 11 years now. some things take ever so long. But to me it makes a Huge difference that the one has chosen us, where the other is merely tolerating us.
    I've followed the adoption blog of a guy in the UK. It was always sad to read about the aggression he had to deal with. But yes, even despite that he loved his adopted son.

    Also, at Mel's blog you can find Lori lavender luz who writes about adoption and the open-hearted way.
    (I have to admit that reading stories from adult adoptees I always find it shocking how much impact it has on a life, even when everything goes well)
    so my advice would be to read, read ,read and then see how you feel.