Friday, April 27, 2012


Someone on a messageboard I follow wrote about feeling her baby move (she is 6 months pregnant) and how she started crying because she is just so thankful that she is finally pregnant. She struggled with infertility before finally getting pregnant. She would also likely tell you she's not out of the woods yet and will only truly be happy when she has a healthy baby in her arms.

That's what infertility does to you, it makes you uber-aware of all of the things that can go wrong. It robs you of naivete. I didn't buy anything when I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks along and even then I only bought a couple of sleepers. After infertility, you are so afraid to jinx things that you just don't do the things that other first time mothers do. Women like me don't see a positive pregnancy test and then jump to the conclusion that there will be a baby 9 months later. Cautious optimism is the emotion of choice. Come to think of it, I have still never seen a positive pregnancy test. During the 4 years it took to get pregnant I had seen so many stark, white, negative tests that I just couldn't bring myself to pee on one that last time. I only ever got the blood results.

Anyway, all this leads me to what brought me to my computer to write this post. I am just so incredibly thankful to be G's mom. Having her in my life gives meaning to everything that we went through to bring her into our world. I will never forget about our struggles, although with distance it is not so painful anymore. I still remember enough, and carry the scars deep enough that I will always cherish this little girl. I know I'm in the easy phase right now where she thinks the sun rises and sets with us. I am prepared (as much as I can be) for the moody teenager who is in our future. I will love her regardless of her hormone induced mood swings.

I am getting ahead of myself, for now, for today, I will just be thankful and not worry about anything else.

1 comment:

  1. I am SO completely in love with Davie. But I still SO deeply desire to have another child. It's such a hard place to be in. I want to give all my time, heart and resources to Davie. But would that be better, or would it be better for her to have siblings? There's so much guilt, whichever way we go. The treatments are so hard, I feel bad for feeling bad. IF sucks.