I find myself constantly asking Little G whether she wants a baby brother or a baby sister. 9 times out of 10 she will say baby sister. But, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a clue what "baby sister" actually means. Tonight I asked her what we should name baby sister and she sat for a while and then said "baby sister". Clearly, it is not registering. That's ok. If we are lucky enough to produce a sibling for her, by the time that happens she will be older and better able to comprehend what is happening. Her little world will potentially be rocked. I am still on my kick to get my weight under control. I have started a new plan. I likely won't blog much about it here. I have been following it for a week and have been very successful. Motivation for me to keep going. Hmm, what else. Oh yes. I'm disenchanted with our home. Everywhere I look I see another project; it's like dollar signs flashing in front of my eyes. New bathroom fixture $$, New framing of the bathroom $$, chimney is decaying $$, new carpet needed on the stairs $$, new front door needed $$, window coverings for the back room $$, new windows and insulation $$. Our house is cute and little and was built in 1944. The wiring, plumbing and furnace etc have all been brought up to code, but it is a money pit. Money that we've had to spend on multiple failed cycles at the clinic, or on our successful cycle to Brno, or for the 9 months that H. was unemployed. Money we will be spending to go back to Brno for our final chance at expanding our family. Our house is the right neighbourhood though; one of those neighbourhoods where a contractor or much wealthier person would buy our home to knock it down and put up a modern monstrosity. We have a pipe dream of doing that ourselves, but I think it's time to be realistic. It's time to look for something bigger that requires less upkeep. Our mortgage is up next year, I think that would be perfect timing to find something else.

Longing

I stumbled upon a youtube pregnancy reveal today and before I knew what happened I watched another and then another. And, then eventually a little over an hour had passed by. I cried along with the family members on screen and felt that old familiar IF ache of wanting that joy.

It took us awhile to make the decision to pursue a FET. Now that we have, I'm in. Just plain in. I hope we are lucky enough to have it work. And, if it doesn't I hope I am strong enough to walk away and be satisfied. It is a fine line I have to balance. I can't let this need for a second child become too all encompassing because I cannot go down that path again. I cannot do fresh cycles and injections again either emotionally or financially. Just can't do it.

We will know by the end of this year what our family will look like going forward. It will be nice to have it settled. Of course, I hope that we will be on our way to having a family of four, but if that doesn't happen our Little G is more than enough.

A Scare, but She's OK.

It felt like my heart stopped for a moment yesterday as I yelled/screamed "oh, My God, H!!!" and watched my daughter tumble down the stairs head over heels. I had just brought a load of laundry upstairs to drop off so I could put it away later and told Little G, to stay downstairs as I would be right back. She yelled "I come too." and I said No. But, by the time I had dropped the laundry off and turned around to head back to the steps, I saw her through the railing almost to the top carrying her favourite blanket. Then her foot got caught in the blanket and down she went.

I was so scared.

H heard me and ran to the bottom of the stairs where he caught her before she could land on the hardwood floor below. Thank gawd the stairs are carpeted. She was shaken up and crying and had a bit of a runny nose, but other than that she was fine. We didn't take her to the hospital as it didn't seem warranted, but I watched her through the night just to be sure. Those kids are resilient.

Today she is fine. Not a mark on her from her fall. She was a little gunshy to go back up the stairs today, but I promised I'd be right behind her and up she went. I am glad she's recovered; not sure when I will. I can still see her tumbling down the stairs when I close my eyes.

In other news, AF is missing. I think I had it last sometime in mid/early December. I am a little worried that menopause is finally starting to set in (remember I'm in my early 40s but have the ovaries of an older woman). It worries me that this could interfere with the FET we have planned for later in the year. Will I have to take Lupron? I know I will have to take BCP to regulate things at least for a month or two. We haven't really done anything yet and already I'm worrying.

Some Pic's

It's been a while since I posted a pic of Little G. Here are a couple of her over the Christmas holidays:

One Last Kick at the Can

DH and I had a potentially life-changing conversation today at lunch. I told DH that I want to use our frozen embryos that we have in Brno. I said that I know I will regret not trying again. And, without having to go any further, DH agreed. Well, he agreed if we look at our finances and we can make it work.

After our conversation, I went back to work with a big smile on my face. I had a feeling that we'll just make it work financially. I know I will do whatever I can to make it work.

Then closer to the end of the day I got an email from H with the subject line "kids names". I think we're really going to do this.

We won't do it until closer to the end of the year because we are both starting new jobs right now. We both need to get established where we are. Also, by waiting it allows Little G to age a little be more which will lower our daycare costs for her.

So, it looks like we'll be briefly back on the IF roller coaster. There won't be a fresh cycle after this. Either this FET works or we're done. I really really hope it works!

The FET rates at the clinic in Brno are not stellar so I'm not sure what our shot is. All I know is that there are 3 frozen embryos of the highest quality waiting for us.

Oh, and we are not going to tell anyone. I don't want the pressure of everyone knowing what's going on and having to let everyone in on the result. Hopefully, we're lucky enough to tell people after the fact with some good news.

Hello 2013

Happy New Year and belated Merry Christmas! Little G loved Christmas and was spoiled rotten by her grandparents and the rest of our family and friends. Santa brought a few things and we gave her a couple of things, but she wants for nothing. We've put a bunch of stuff away for her to play with throughout the year. Life in our household has bumpy. H and I have been battling and things have been a little stressful. I think things are back on track now, I really hope they are. H starts his new job on Monday and I start mine the following Monday so there will be a lot of changes coming our way. I am a little scared to be starting over so completely, but also excited about it. It will be odd after 13 years of being with the same company and knowing everything/everyone to go into a place where I don't even know my hours, where my desk is or the number to call if there's a problem with my computer. I know I will adjust quickly, but wow! it's a lot to take in.