It's Started

Despite doubling my progesterone, spotting has started today. Light pink, barely there, but it's started. I am sad and not sure how to process everything I'm feeling. There's guilt, sadness, anger, you name it. Little G has stopped asking questions about the baby. She's resilient.

I have been thinking about it... this baby gave me a gift. I got to see what an amazing, loving sister Little G would be. She was so excited, interested and loving towards it. Drawing pictures of our family and planning for the future. It was wonderful to see. I also got the surprise pregnancy announcement I had always longed for. There was joy.

My heart is breaking, but even for the short time it was with us this baby was loved and a gift.

It's Hard

Little G knows about the pregnancy and every night when we go to bed we talk about when the baby comes and what stage of development that we are at.  Tonight she was full of the same kinds of questions and I tried to put on a brave face. We don't want to tell her anything until we know for sure, but the questions are like little shards of glass piercing my heart. So I told her that the baby is very sick and that I have an appointment next week with the doctor next week to see if the baby is going to be ok. I told her that there isn't a lot that we can do for the baby right now and that it might die.

She knows about death because our dog died last year.

It is so hard. We feel so stupid having told her this early...having told everyone this early.  But, everything seemed to have lined up so perfectly that we felt confident.

Stupid.

And, then there is the hope. Raising its ugly, unwanted head. Whispering in my ear that maybe everything will be ok. Maybe by next week there will be more growth that things will have worked themselves out. Stupid.

This morning walking back from Gigi's school I almost threw up.  So am I just imagining things?  Oh, and for good measure, I took a pregnancy test today.  The line was there the moment the pee hit it.  If the baby stopped growing two weeks ago shouldn't it have taken some time for the line to show?

Devastated.

Measuring 5 Weeks

Had my u/s this morning. I am measuring 5 weeks when I should be 7 weeks-ish. Not good news.

Have spoken with my Dr. and I am stopping progesterone/estrogen and am just going to let my body take over. I have a repeat u/s for next week just to confirm there is no further growth.

We are devastated.

We're Back!

We're back from a great trip in Florida! While there we went to watch a Blue Jays game (Jays vs Yankees) and a hockey game (Tampa vs Montrea). We swam every day, walked the beach, watched the Manatees, met family, went to the Aquarium and hung out with my folks. It was great.

I didn't get into the details of how we told my parents. Little G has been drawing stick figure pictures and before we went to Florida she had drawn a picture of our family. It showed H, Little G, and me. When she drew me, she had drawn a little stick figure baby in the middle of my dress. She gave the picture to her Grandpa, and pointed out who everyone was "There's Daddy, there's me, there's Mommy and the baby in her tummy" My Mom laughed and said "ya right" to that. I said, she's serious I'm pregnant and then my Mom teared up and my Dad held my hand.

I wish I had taken a picture of the drawing so I could post it here.

Now we're back and it feels like we were never away. It's cold here still although not a deep freeze anymore. I'm so ready for some good, warm weather!

I Told Her!

Well we told my parents yesterday that we are expecting in November!  It went really well. My Mom was happy and got teary eyed. I am glad it went so well.

We are in Florida staying with them. Had a great day at the pool and at the beach. Little G is loving itand wants to swim all day long.

Anyway, better run...

I Tested Again

Yesterday I was positive I wasn't pregnant any longer, so I POAS - still glaringly positive. The hcg line coming up before the control line. So I had a bit of a sigh of relief.

Fran, you asked me when my u/s is. It is scheduled for Monday March 25th. I am counting down the days.

Valery, you were wondering if I have any siblings. I have one brother who is almost a decade younger than me. Both of us were "surprises" that my Mom was not particularly happy about at first. For reasons that I won't go into, she didn't really want any kids, so she doesn't get the ache that I had/have for children. I mean, philosophically she gets it, but not on a level that she can empathize with.

She is a great Mom and has told me that although she was shocked, scared etc that once she got used to the idea she definitely was happy about it. And, once I was in her arms, she was in love.

I think she'll just need to get used to the idea and then everything will be fine.

It's Here! ( A Quicky)

My meds came in the mail today! Now I won't run out of estrogen/progesterone. One less thing to worry about.

Telling

I feel like I'm doing everything that a seasoned IFer would not do when getting a BFP. I have already told my group of friends (I was at an outing, not drinking and just blurted it out).  It was fun telling them, but I feel like I'm tempting fate a little bit considering I just hit 5 weeks over the weekend.

I have not told my parents as of yet. We will be visiting them on Friday and we will tell them at that time. I'm kind of dreading it. My Mom wasn't very supportive when this topic came up the last year. She's scared for me. Thinks that I do too much, get too stressed out and that physically it would be too hard on me. I know that her concern came from a place of love, but I'm 43 years old and she still treats me like a dumb, teenager. Sigh. I can hear the disappointment in her voice already just thinking about how she'll respond. I hope it's not too contentious for us. We're supposed to be staying with them and if it gets too heated I feel like we'll want to just ditch them.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. She could actually surprise me.

All pee'd Out

Today I am 11DP6DT or 4 weeks 3 days and I have pee'd on yet another pee stick. The total is 5. All say the same thing and the line gets slightly darker every day. I went to see my Dr yesterday for betas, but we decided that we wouldn't do any blood work. I have all of these positive pee sticks and that's good enough for me. I think I have to stop peeing on things now though.

My Dr. gave me a new prescription for my GERD meds because what I was on is contraindicated for pregnancy. Although I did some research about it and found that while it is contraindicated some research has been done and it may actually be okay. If these meds don't do it for me, I will talk to my Dr about going back on my old stuff. She also gave me a requisition for a dating u/s - likely to be done after March 21st and finally she referred me to the OBGYN that delivered Little G. So things are good.

As far as symptoms go, I think the weirdest one is irritability. I am flying off the handle like you wouldn't believe. It's like an extreme case of PMS and I am powerless to stop it in the moment. I am really tired at night, have some bloating but very little nausea to date. As for cravings/food aversions, I am craving salty foods, I want protein; sweets don't really appeal to me.

I hope you like the ticker I added. I think it's pretty cool to know what's happening to the embryo on a daily basis.

9DP6DT

I tested again this morning and had another positive.  It was slightly darker than yesterday's but I am not going to worry about it.

Little G keeps asking me why we wanted another baby and when the baby will be born.  She keeps lifting my shirt to look at my belly. And, this morning I woke up and she was sleeping on the floor beside my bed. She is so excited!

Valery, Thanks for the offer of the meds.  I bought some more progesterone when I was in Brno, so I have 26-ish days of it.  I have approx 10 more days of estrogen, so hopefully the pharmacy in Brno will be able to get it to me quickly.

I am having some symptoms I think.  Lots of cramping and stretching today, as well as really, really sore breasts.  There is also a touch of nausea.  I wonder if I will be as sici this time as I was with Little G?

8DP6DT

I am sure I have written about my aversion to pee sticks given that I have never seen a positive pee stick. Here's where I confess - I actually pee'd on one at 3dp6dt. And it was a glaring negative - which anyone would expect.

So, I didn't want to pee on anything until I had let enough time pass.

This afternoon at 3:20pm ET, I pee'd on a stick and say my first positive ever!!!

The FET worked. I was gob-smacked. I saw a shadow of a line as the pee travelled past the window and then saw it turn pink. I called H into the bathroom, showed him the peestick and then we hugged. I was shaking and teary.

We also told Little G today, we figured we will tell her and if anything goes wrong we will just explain it to her.She is so excited - she keeps following me around and putting her hand on my belly.

Now I need to figure out how to get meds to me to help support this pregnancy.