Back and Forth

About a week ago, I was overcome by an aching, longing for a second child. It had been a while since I had felt like there was a gaping hole in my heart. I started crying and then went to find H to discuss how I was feeling.  I know, knew in that moment, that I don't have the energy to start from scratch again with a newborn, but thought if we could give G a sibling a couple of years younger than her  then it would be good.

So we opened the discussion of adopting an older child from our local child services organization.  I am now so torn about moving forward.  I don't know if I am built to be an adoptive mother.  Not sure if I am equipped to handle the special needs that most of these children have. The unknown scares me - what if the child and G don't mesh, what if this creates more problems than it fixes, what if the child doesn't he bond with us?

Here is the amazing thing. Once we had the conversation, and I had voiced my feelings, and we had agreed to look into adoption, then that hole went away.

Now I am wondering if I just needed to be reassured that adoption is a possibility.

I am coming here, to my little corner of the interwebs, to try to figure out my feelings.

Why do I want to adopt?
- We are financially and emotionally able to care for a second child
- My vision of our family has always had more than one child
- It would be good for G to have a sibling.
- I think a child would benefit from the love and support that we could offer

Why don't I want to adopt?
- Fear of messing up a good thing
- Financially, we are in a good place that includes being able to travel a couple of times a year. If we adopt that will change
- Fear of the unknown.

So much to think about; if anyone is reading and has some advice feel free to let me know!

21 Day Walking Challenge - Day 8 of 21

Turns out it wasn't a great time to take on this challenge, but I have done my best.

I walked on Thursday, on Friday work was nuts  but I went swimming. Saturday was a full day of yard work, Sunday and today were spent walking around Niagara Falls and at a water park. It is Victoria Day weekend, which was very busy. Tomorrow I will get back to my regularly scheduled walk.

It has been a really fun weekend which we capped with a night in Niagara Falls.  It took us 4 hours to drive what is usually a 1 hour 45 minute drive.  We went to the Rain Forest Cafe for dinner, hit a bunch of souvenir shots and saw some amazing fireworks.  Then today we spent the morning at a water park.  It was great family time!

Back to work tomorrow... ho hum.

21 Day Walking Challenge - 3 Days down, 18 to go!

Little G insisted on joining me today; she didn't slow me down so I think she will likely be joining me I keep going. Last night we did a half hour of kids yoga together which was fun. I like that she is seeing me be more active.

My legs didn't hurt today while I was walking because I put my old shoes on.  I know now not to where those other ones anymore.

Until tomorrow...

21 Day Walking Challenge, 2 days down, 19 to go

It was an easy day to go out for my walk tonight.  Sunny, warm, but not hot, just a lovely day.  Put Tess on her leash and off we went.  I wore a different pair of shoes today and my calves were burning the whole time.

It was a much more difficult walk for me today. I am going to put my other shoes on tomorrow and see if that makes a difference or if I really am this out of shape.

I am feeling pretty even keel emotionally these days, but there is something going on with me.  I feel like I am at loose ends. I am searching for something new or challenging to do.  .sometimes I think of moving across the workd to work for a couple of years or on a smaller scale renoing our house or getting a new puppy.

Work is good, Little G is awesome, my marriage has its ups and downs, but there is something missing. I am working on finding out what that is.

21 Day Walking Challenge

I have had enough of being ginormous! I am overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose and haven't been quite sure where to start.  I found a book called The Big Book of Walking for Weight Loss.  There are several different workouts in it for several different levels of fitness.  I am starting off with the 21 day walking challenge.  Every day for 21 days I will walk for 30 minutes. Today was day one and I rocked it!  I walked 2.4 km and felt great.

I am walking with the long term goal of losing weight, but really I am doing it for heart health and to feel fit again.

In other news, I am on cycle 4 of regular cycles. I am so happy I got over my stance of wanting to white knuckle my way through things and asked for medication.  It really has me in a good place emotionally.

Anyway, that is just a quick catch up from me.  I am hoping to have a daily entry while i complete my challenge.

45!

I know it's been a while since I last posted.  I haven't had much to say.  Things have been very hard for me since the miscarriage last year.  I was in a dark, anxious place and was having a really tough time pulling myself out of it.  I hadn't had AF since the cycle right after my mc last May.  I was walking around anxious that I was going to have a heart attack and die. And, the pounds have just piled on. It was awful.  I finally went to my Dr and was prescribed Anti-anxiety meds. She also said I was extremely low in vitamins D and B12. Well, after a couple of months taking the drugs and the supplements I am finally feeling like me again.  The anxiety is almost gone, the health anxiety is almost gone and AF has returned.  Crazy, right?!

For the most part, I have moved past the mc.  I still get sad sometimes and when that happens I acknowledge, feel what I need to feel and then move on.  I am getting there.

H and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary in the fall...Around Valentine's day, he gave me a new diamond engagement ring.  It is truly beautiful and I love it (and him for keeping a promise he made to me when we got engaged).

I am writing because I am turning 45 tomorrow.  I cannot believe I am this old; time just flies by.  I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Ambivalent at best.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone checks in on my little corner of the web anymore, but if you do know that I think of you often.

Happy New Year!

It has been a while since I last posted.  Little G celebrated her 5 th birthday on Dec 23 rd.  She is her own amazing person now. There is almost nothing of the baby she once was left in her.  I am trying to soak in every minute with her because everything seems to be moving so fast.

My heart still aches knowing there won't be anymore children for us, but a little less now than before. I am trying to focus on what our future holds.  Where will we be a year or ten from now?

I have started an online certificate in Human Resources; I think that may be my next big move.  We are going to Jamaica in February. There are things to look forward to.

I will be 45 in April. How the heck did that happen! I am experiencing the effects of getting older. Pains where there were none before.  I am the heaviest I have ever been which disgusts and infuriates me.  But, I have not been in a good place this last year, so I am tryong to be kind to myself.

I am not sure what awaits me in 2016, but I am open to the possibilities.