21 Day Walking Challenge

I have had enough of being ginormous! I am overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose and haven't been quite sure where to start.  I found a book called The Big Book of Walking for Weight Loss.  There are several different workouts in it for several different levels of fitness.  I am starting off with the 21 day walking challenge.  Every day for 21 days I will walk for 30 minutes. Today was day one and I rocked it!  I walked 2.4 km and felt great.

I am walking with the long term goal of losing weight, but really I am doing it for heart health and to feel fit again.

In other news, I am on cycle 4 of regular cycles. I am so happy I got over my stance of wanting to white knuckle my way through things and asked for medication.  It really has me in a good place emotionally.

Anyway, that is just a quick catch up from me.  I am hoping to have a daily entry while i complete my challenge.

45!

I know it's been a while since I last posted.  I haven't had much to say.  Things have been very hard for me since the miscarriage last year.  I was in a dark, anxious place and was having a really tough time pulling myself out of it.  I hadn't had AF since the cycle right after my mc last May.  I was walking around anxious that I was going to have a heart attack and die. And, the pounds have just piled on. It was awful.  I finally went to my Dr and was prescribed Anti-anxiety meds. She also said I was extremely low in vitamins D and B12. Well, after a couple of months taking the drugs and the supplements I am finally feeling like me again.  The anxiety is almost gone, the health anxiety is almost gone and AF has returned.  Crazy, right?!

For the most part, I have moved past the mc.  I still get sad sometimes and when that happens I acknowledge, feel what I need to feel and then move on.  I am getting there.

H and I will be celebrating our ten year anniversary in the fall...Around Valentine's day, he gave me a new diamond engagement ring.  It is truly beautiful and I love it (and him for keeping a promise he made to me when we got engaged).

I am writing because I am turning 45 tomorrow.  I cannot believe I am this old; time just flies by.  I am not sure how I feel about this birthday. Ambivalent at best.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone checks in on my little corner of the web anymore, but if you do know that I think of you often.

Happy New Year!

It has been a while since I last posted.  Little G celebrated her 5 th birthday on Dec 23 rd.  She is her own amazing person now. There is almost nothing of the baby she once was left in her.  I am trying to soak in every minute with her because everything seems to be moving so fast.

My heart still aches knowing there won't be anymore children for us, but a little less now than before. I am trying to focus on what our future holds.  Where will we be a year or ten from now?

I have started an online certificate in Human Resources; I think that may be my next big move.  We are going to Jamaica in February. There are things to look forward to.

I will be 45 in April. How the heck did that happen! I am experiencing the effects of getting older. Pains where there were none before.  I am the heaviest I have ever been which disgusts and infuriates me.  But, I have not been in a good place this last year, so I am tryong to be kind to myself.

I am not sure what awaits me in 2016, but I am open to the possibilities.

Looking Forward

I am really trying to look forward and to make steps to changing myself. It's tough. I feel like I have split personalities. Half of me is eager to live a healthier life, be active and feel strong; the other half of me lacks motivation and sits on the couch watching tv. Guess which side is winning?

I am making steps to move forward; I have joined a group that focuses on 6 small habits that contribute to creating consistency and a non-judgmental relationship with food. The first habit is to commit to tracking what I eat for two weeks - it's not about whether I'm eating too many/not enough calories; it will make me aware of what I'm eating and when.

I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.

Speaking of looking forward, I have a girls weekend on the 24th of October. That is the weekend that the baby would have been due. I am glad that I will be surrounded by friends (likely full of alcohol) to pass that awful weekend.

New Beginnings!

I changed the look of my blog - I just couldn't stand the pink for another second! Blah. I also changed my tag line.

I have to start to putting myself back together and it starts now. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been. Miscarriage and infertility have wreaked havoc with my body and my emotions. Enough is enough.  It's time to make myself a priority. In the past, I would have sat down and made a plan. Got out my spreadsheet and tracked days, calories, activities until one day I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I would fall hard. Now, I have discovered a group of people who are advocating loving yourself well. Mind blowing. 

I now understand the damage that my dieting history has done to my body and my thinking around food. I am now just eating the food. It doesn't mean going crazy and eating everything and anything, but it does mean paying attention to my body. Re-learning my hunger signals. Eating intuitively. It also means incorporating intentional exercise back into my life.

I'm just at the beginning and am taking baby steps. It's been really hard to find motivation; I was beginnning to worry that I was suffering a depression that I wouldn't bounce out of on my own. But, I feel things shifting - there is light where it was just gray before.

At one point, close after the miscarriage, I just wanted to change everything in my life.  I wanted to quit my job, sell our house and move somewhere fresh and new. I would love to live near the ocean. My husband didn't realize how serious I was about things; he just laughed it off. And, I let him. I must have known that it was a reaction to everything I cannot change in my life.

So today, I am trying to love myself again. I have processed my brother's announcement and am happy for them. Now I am trying to find something to look forward to - I think the first thing will be a trip back to Jamaica.

Another Poor Me Post

I dropped into visit my parents with Little G on the weekend after a trip to the zoo in their city.  As I had settled in my Mom says so what do you think of  P &A's news?  I had no idea what she was talking about, but quickly guessed that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby.  She is due in April.  They will have two under two.  I haven't felt that blind-sided by an announcement in a while.

I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came.  G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.

I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.

Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be.  30 weeks.  I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day.  I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed.  All I can process is that it is just not fair.

I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else.  I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement.  I don't actually want two dogs.  So, I need to find something else.  I feel like I am having a midlife crisis.  I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.

Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things.  One foot in front of the other.

What Should Have Been

5 years ago, I was pregnant with Little G and as luck would have it one of my favourite cousins was also pregnant.  She was due in October and I in December.  We each had a daughter, who are now besties.  Fast forward to this year, she told me she was pregnant again and then a couple of months later I was pregnant.  Her due date was August and mine late October/early November.  It was like it was meant to be. In the wee hours of today, my cousin delivered her second daughter. She was 3 weeks early and her daughter is a gorgeous bundle at 9lb 14oz.

I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me.  of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.

Sigh.  I am working on it.