Another Poor Me Post

I dropped into visit my parents with Little G on the weekend after a trip to the zoo in their city.  As I had settled in my Mom says so what do you think of  P &A's news?  I had no idea what she was talking about, but quickly guessed that my brother and his wife are expecting another baby.  She is due in April.  They will have two under two.  I haven't felt that blind-sided by an announcement in a while.

I managed to hold it together and say all of the right things in the moment, but once we were in the car driving home the tears came.  G was in the back in her carseat so I did my best not to let her know I was crying.

I got home and sent my brother a very nice and excited sounding congratulatory email and did my best to keep moving.

Well today I was at work and flipped by a page in my calendar where I had written down how many weeks pregnant I would be.  30 weeks.  I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Thank god this happened at the end of the day.  I managed to keep my emotions in check until I got to my car. Then I just sat and sobbed.  All I can process is that it is just not fair.

I told H that I need to have something to look forward to, I need to focus on something else.  I have been pushing to get a puppy, but it would just be acting as a replacement.  I don't actually want two dogs.  So, I need to find something else.  I feel like I am having a midlife crisis.  I want to sell our house, quit my job and just start over at something new.

Anyway, if you're still reading, I am working on things.  One foot in front of the other.

What Should Have Been

5 years ago, I was pregnant with Little G and as luck would have it one of my favourite cousins was also pregnant.  She was due in October and I in December.  We each had a daughter, who are now besties.  Fast forward to this year, she told me she was pregnant again and then a couple of months later I was pregnant.  Her due date was August and mine late October/early November.  It was like it was meant to be. In the wee hours of today, my cousin delivered her second daughter. She was 3 weeks early and her daughter is a gorgeous bundle at 9lb 14oz.

I am very happy for her. Yet that old melancoly showed up, I couldn't help thinking about what should have been for me.  of course I then felt guilty about having those feelings.

Sigh.  I am working on it.

Finally Feeling Normal

I finally got my first period post-miscarriage last week and am feeling a lot better. I have done a lot of healing.

Little G still wants a sibling, she asked again the other day in the car why we're not having another baby. I told her that I don't have any good eggs left; then she said "why don't you go back to the lady who gave you me and get eggs from her?" I said that she doesn't have any good eggs anymore either. We're all out of eggs. It was a little heart-breaking, but I think it's starting to sink in that there won't be any more babies in our house.

Other than that we just keep moving forward. Little G finished JK on June 25th, so I took the last week off with her. We went to my brother's cottage, to a petting zoo, to a baseball game, out for lunch, to a wading pool and park. We saw the movie Inside Out. It was a great week. I head back to work tomorrow and she starts camp.  We'll all (H, me, Little G) take a week together at the beginning of August and then H will take another week off at the beginning of September with Little G by himself.

I think it's going to be a fun and busy summer.

Still Mourning

I am sad that I will never again get that secret smile and quickening in my belly when I think to myself "i am pregnant"

I will never again watch my belly grow and feel my body change and know that it is because a little being is growing.

I will never experience any of thenlittle things that go along with being pregnant nor feel the excitement of waiting to meet my child.

I will never hold an infant of my own in my arms again.

I am still mourning the loss of our baby and am mourning what might have been; what will never be.

We could not have been graced with a better kid than Little G. She is awesome and my heart swells with pride and love when I think about her or just see her running around. I know how lucky I am and for the most part that is what I focus on.  Yet, I am still mourning.

Follow Up

I had my follow up ultrasound this week- there is a small piece of retained tissue but my dr is not worried about it.  She thinks that it will be cleared out with my next cycle.

I am disappointed that it is not over. Emotionally I am doing ok and physically I am good. I still get hit with the occasional crying jag, but for the most part I am good. I was just really hoong to be able to close this chapter and move forward with our lives. Just par for the course that my body doesn't do what it is supposed to do.

It is so frustrating.

I do think of you.

I saw this article posted on the PVED facebook page: http://chelseykimmel.wix.com/chelseykimmel#!To-The-Families-I-Helped-Create/c23rm/550ae5f90cf292acc4b8695a

It is an interesting article from the viewpoint of an egg donor wondering about the families she may have helped create. She asked if we ever think about her and her role in helping to create our families; so here is my response.

Yes, I think of you often. Well not you precisely, but the woman who was our egg donor. I wonder what led to her decision to donate, she was 29 at the time she donated for us and was already a proven donor. We got so little information about her, that I truly wonder what she was like. Does she have a sense of humour, does she like to dance, is she kind, does she think about the families she has assisted? So many questions. I wonder if my daughter will want to meet her or know more information about her and how I will explain the anonymous nature of the donation. I wonder if my daughter looks like her.

Mostly when I think of her I am thankful, because without her I would not have my family.

Hanging in There

I am doing ok.  The bleeding is finally slowing down; I just pray that when we go to the u/s that there is nothing retained.  Emotionally I have my good moments and bad moments.  Tonight Little G asked if she could help teach her friend's baby brother things because that is what big sisters are supposed to do.  It broke my heart.

It is just not fair.  What is the point of going through this? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I mean, I already learned the life is not fair lesson when I was trying for Little G. I went through the anger at myself and my body for not working the way it was supposed to. But now what? Who is there to be mad at in this scenario? I mean other than the universe.

I can look at the situation and see the positives. Financially we are so much better off having only one child. We can do so much more. It is easier to find care for one child rather than many. Etc. etc. But none of that takes the place of my child.

Even after all we have been through, and knowing my age, there is still this part of my brain that thinks irrationally that we could get pg on our own.

I need to just close the door on all of those thoughts and deal with what is.  We have a wonderful little girl and a good life.  We are actually very lucky. I think I just have to put my head down and count my blessings and stop wanting more.