Quick Update

Of course my body is not co-operating now that I have decided to go forward with a FET.

Oh, sorry! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Let me back up a step or two. Christmas was a ton of fun for G this year. She totally gets the whole Santa thing and was so excited for him to come to our house. Unfortunately I ate something weird on Christmas Eve and got a lovely gastro attack. It ruined Christams day for  me - I didn't end up going to Christmas dinner.

We don't have any plans for New Years this year - usually we go to the Toronto Zoo where they have a kids' new years event, but not so this year. We are going to head out and watch the Penguins of the Madagascar later today. I will buy some appies for dinner, we have some sparkling wine and assuming we make it to New Years we'll have that to celebrate with.

Anyway, now back to my screwy body! I am supposed to start taking BCP as soon as I get my period. Well, I haven't really had a period in a while. When we were in Jamaica in November I had some spotting and since then that's been it. It's been over a month since then. I guess I'm into early menopause/perimenopause right now. I know I'm not pregnant.

The clinic told me to let them know if I still hadn't got it by the end of December and then they would give me further instructions from there. I emailed today and my consultant is out of the office until Monday so now I just wait in limbo.

With all of this waiting I have been having some second thoughts about going through with this. Do I really want to be 50 with a 5 or 6 year old? I am scared of the unknown. But, I want to try to have one more. I still want to do it.

Anyway, that's my quick update. I hope the holiday season is treating you well!

Wishing you a prosperous, healthy & happy New Year!

Feeling Joyful

I told H this morning on our way to work that I am feeling so excited about trying again. This is different than in the past. Last year at around this time we started thinking about going the FET route and I was happy, but I had a lot of questions about what could happen, what could go wrong etc. I wasn't able to get past them to seeing what I really wanted.

A lot of those same questions are there, but the regret of not trying really outweighs them.

This isn't a sure thing by any means; there's about a 30% chance for success. The freezing technique that they used is pretty old school which doesn't help. I have to research what that does to the quality of the embryos. They had a policy of only freezing the very best graded embryos - on our fresh cycle we got 7 eggs, 5 made it to 5 day blasts, we transferred 2 and the 3 remaining all made it to freeze.
So, that makes me hopeful that they will survive thaw.

H. will not be travelling with me, so there could be quite a quandary if all 3 survive thaw. I will have to decide how many to transfer... after our last experience I am a little gun shy about transferring more than one. I guess I will cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant and eventually have a healthy baby, then Little G will have a sibling that matches her genetically. Same donor etc. It would be great for her to have a sibling she can turn to that is the same as her.

You can't dictate how siblings will interact, but I hope that if there is a sibling for her, that they will be in each other's lives as they grow up and are adults.

All this is to say that I am excited and happy about going forward. I know there could be a big fall in the future if this doesn't work, but for now I'm content to feel how I feel.

Ahem. I Am Back (again)

You know how you make a decision, think you're ok with that decision then every so often something pops up and you think "wouldn't that be nice". Well, I have been having those thoughts.

And, as it turns out, my husband 'H' has also been having those thoughts. I know what you're thinking - been there done that. You've been on this ride before with me, but this time... this time... it's different.

H and I were chatting last week about whether we ever wish we had more kids. We both said yes. H.is great about things; he has always wanted a big family, but since we can't have kids the old fashioned way he has deferred to me and how I am feeling. I have always been reticent. You know - why rock the boat.

I can give you a list the length of my arm why I think we shouldn't try again - my age, the unknown, it may not work, we are in a good spot financially. etc. etc.

But...there's this tiny voice in the back of my head...what if.

So, I jumped in on Friday. I emailed H at work and told him let's go for it. I looked up prices for flights and emailed the clinic. I am going to go near the end of February. I already have a hotel booked in Prague.

This is crazy. There's a part of me that is very scared of the risks and the unknown, but there's a bigger part of me that can't live with, doesn't want to live with, the regret of not trying.

It may not work, but I have to try.

My mother is not supportive of me trying again. She thinks I'm too old, it's too risky and she doesn't like the odds of multiples. So, I am taking the very mature step of not including her in the decision. We will tell her that I am away on business and if things work out, then we'll tell her when we're ready.

I hope to be posting here a lot more about this. DE FET. Wow.

Still Chugging Along

It has been a while since my last post; I have been occupied with a weird stomach ailment. For a couple of weeks I was feeling nauseous and even dizzy a couple of times. I thought I might be pregnant so I took a pregnancy test. BFN. Then last Tuesday I started to feel like my food wasn't moving through my system properly. I would eat and then within an hour or two I would feel completely disgusting. I lost quite a bit of weight (8lbs in 7 days). I started a food journal and have realized that I am likely gluten and lactose intolerant... suddenly. I have celiac in my family and from the research I have done it can be triggered by pregnancy, stress or some autoimmune event. Looks like I have been triggered.

Since making this realization I have cut gluten out of my diet and am feeling 100% better. In the throws of this flare up I contacted my gastroentologist and have been scheduled for an upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy on Feb 25th. I am not looking forward to it, but in order to get an official diagnosis I need this done.

The only drawback about this is that in order for the tests to be accurate for celiac, I need to continue eating gluten. I just can't make myself do that - I felt so awful.

In the midst of everything the day came for me to start taking BCP in preparation for a potential FET in May. So, I have started taking it as well. I have to admit that I sway back and forth about moving forward with a FET. Our life is pretty awesome just the way we are. But. I know that if we don't try this I will always regret it.

So, we move forward. Hopefully I will have some concrete answers about my health in the next couple of weeks and I can figure out how to live gluten free. Thousands of people do it every day so I should be able to figure this out!

Good to Go!

My appointment today went very well! We went over my blood test results and all looks pretty good - except that I am pre-pre-diabetic. My Dr. recommended losing a little weight as that will put me in a better position for getting pregnant and staving off the pre-diabetic stage. The good news is as of this morning I am down 6lbs in approx 3 weeks or so; I am on my way to a little healthier me.

As I expected she gave me a script for BCP and also for getting the ultrasound during the FET cycle.

I am also looking at going to a Nutritionist and am awaiting a call back from the counsellor to make an appointment. This is my year. Regardless of whether I get pregnant, I am taking small steps to help me get back to a healthy lifestyle and a healthier me.

As to the FET, I am good to go. She said to wait for my next period to start before I take the BCP, but I am going to start it on Feb 10th since I need to time my cycle appropriately. I guess the next step is to book the flight (I want to book it early enough that it is still relatively inexpensive). I am going to fly the executive economy class or whatever it's called. It is about 1.5 times the cost of a regular ticket, but you get more space and a few bonuses. I am also going to get cancellation insurance just in case things don't go as planned.

I'm trying not to get too excited, but in a few months I could be pregnant again!!!

Health Check - Part Two

I had to move my Dr appointment, so it is now this Wednesday (two days from now). I had a real setback this past week from an anxiety standpoint. I have an erratic fear of having a heart attack. My heart is fine, my blood tests are fine. My only risks are weight and stress related. I over-indulged on Sunday night and on Friday my GERD was really acting up. I felt some pain and thought I was having a heart attack. Then I went into full-fledged panic attack. Oh, did I mention that I was driving my husband and I to work at the time? I freaked out and the only thing that calmed me down was H yelling at me. I did break out of the panic attack and it didn't follow me through the day, but this cemented for me that I need to get my shit together.

Since I started wearing the Nike Fuelband and becoming more aware of my activity level I have lost 5lbs. I need to lose a lot more, but this is a great start. I am determined to live healthier. And, this time, it is solely for me. Not for my daughter, not to be a good example or for anyone external... I need this for me and my mental health.

I put a couple of balls in motion over the weekend to ensure I continue on the right path. The first thing I did was use my work benefits to try to find a counsellor. There are two things I need to work on - my anxiety and my emotional eating. I am just waiting to be matched with someone. The other thing I did was go to Supperworks. It's this cool place where you sign up for a time, go in and use their kitchen and recipes and prepare a bunch of yummy meals to bring home with you. The great thing is that everything is already diced and chopped/prepped for you, so it's basically just combining the correct ingredients in freezer bags, slapping the label with the cooking instructions on it, onto the bag and bringing the food home. I love it because there is not thinking about what to eat during the week. It's a fairly, healthy and balanced option which helps me avoid ordering in.

I think if 90% of the time I can make good choices and I get the emotional support that I need that I will be in great shape.

Next is to add a little more activity in my life, but I'm not going to over-load myself right now. I figure if I can get into a routine, that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, then I can continue to exercise through my pregnancy.

Health Check

In anticipation of my Dr appointment next week, I had some blood work done. I am so glad that I did. My Dr. called me today with some results. It turns out that my blood sugar was on the high end of normal... Not quite pre-diabetic, but creeping up. If we want to try to get pregnant, I need to get this under control quickly. I must have had a premonition, because I recently started researching a Low GI diet. I also have been using my Nike+Fuel band every day and it really is a window into your activity.

I go to see my Dr next Wednesday and I want to go in with a plan in place and some momentum behind it.

The other result that was slightly off was my iron levels. It was on the low end of normal. My doctor said I don't necessarily need an iron supplement, but that I need to eat more iron-rich foods. Prior to pregnancy my iron levels have always been really good. When I got pregnant with the triplets and subsequently lost the twins, my placenta kept growing as if all 3 babies were still alive. When I had my c-section, they were surprised by the size of the placenta and I lost a lot of blood. I started to go into shock on the table. I did not need a transfusion, but they kept a close eye on me while I recovered.

Ever since then I have had slightly low iron. Recently, I have been feeling more run-down than usual and found it really difficult to fight off a cold (it seemed to last for 6 to 8 weeks). I think I'm finally over it. Maybe my low iron has been hampering things.

So, I know what I have to do... now I have to execute.

On a different note, I feel like I am nesting already even though we don't know if we'll actually be successful. We have a very small house and it's been a huge mess for a long time. Clutter is the bane of my existence. Since we started talking about going back to Brno and the possibility of bringing another baby into this house exists, I have started cleaning and organizing. On Saturday, I went through all of the baby clothes that G has outgrown  - 4 bins and 5 garbage bags of stuff. I have also gone through 5 boxes of papers and cleared a bunch of stuff out. In addition, I called and got our hot water heater replaced and we are working on re-modeling our main floor.

There is a lot on my plate, but I am feeling good about it.

Things are Moving Quickly

I can't believe how fast this has come together. I am planning on flying to Brno on May 22nd with the intention of having the transfer on Saturday May 24th. H and I have even started picking out names should we be lucky enough to be successful.

I have heard back from the clinic and have the protocol. I just have to go to my Dr next week to see if she will assist from this end.

I am scared that it won't work and scared that it will. If it doesn't work my heart will be broken and if it does work, life as we know it will be forever changed. My biggest fear is getting back on the emotional rollercoaster that goes along with fertility treatments. It took a really big toll on me when we went through it before.

In other news, I just found out that we have to register Little G for Junior Kindergarten next month! The time is truly flying. Only problem is every time we talk to G about jk she gets upset and says she doesn't want to leave her friends. I am not sure how we are going to deal with this. I tend to just let it drop, but eventually we are going to have to face it. We live close to her daycare, but all of her friends live in a different school area.  I know she will be fine, but it would be nice if there was at least one familiar face.

Decisions Decisions

Right now H and I have a lot of decisions to make. Little G just turned 3 years old in December, which means she starts Junior Kindergarten this September. We have to decide which school we will be putting her in. I found out that one of the schools we are looking at has registration in February. I can't believe I'm registering her for school already!!! Where has the time flown?

We are also in the midst of deciding what work to have done on our home. It looks like we will be remodeling the laundry room and bathroom, as well as putting in a full pantry in our kitchen. While they're at it, I would also like all of the floors refinished and the entire house painted. Not sure I'll be getting everything that's on my wishlist. H and I have some plans that we have to review and decisions to make about how we move forward from here.

Of course, the really big decision that we have to make is about going to Brno for a FET. I am pretty sure we are going to do it. We have had a look at our finances; the year mat leave will be no problem - it's the childcare costs after that that I am worried about. In doing some research I have reached out to the clinic (Reprofit) to find out what protocol I will follow. I emailed them Friday night and had an answer earlier today. It seems very straightforward. I am going to my Dr next week to see if she will help me with some tests that I need to have done here. She wasn't very helpful last time, so I am not overly optimistic about it.

This is all very exciting and a little scary, but here's the thing I need to keep front of mind. The clinic only has 32% success rate with FETs so there's no guarantee that after we go through all of this that we will end up with a baby.

Hello Again!

Where to begin? Sweet G turned 3 on December 23rd. She is awesome and a ball of energy. I also changed jobs last year which has kept me very busy. H and I have had our ups and downs through the year, but have come out of it for the better. It was touch and go for a while there and I just kind of buried my head and powered through whatever came my way.

Recently, G has been asking for a baby. One of her classmate's now has a new sibling and G desperately wants one. I don't think she quite knows what it is she is asking for! She even told one of her teachers that I'm having a baby girl. That was a little embarrassing to explain that indeed I am not with child.

You know who is with child? My brother and his wife! I am so incredibly excited for them. It is still early days - I think she's probably around 8 weeks along. They had been trying for about a year and a half and had a miscarriage around October. So, I have been sending out all of the good thoughts that I had for them to have a healthy pregnancy.

All of the baby talk got H and me thinking and talking. After we heard about my brother, I said to H that it made me think about wanting another child. He agreed. Then we just left things as is, but it was marinating in both of our minds. Yesterday we talked again about our future and what we want. You know - the typical New Year conversation, making sure that we are working towards the same things.

It looks like we are likely renting a cottage this year for our vacation rather than going somewhere foreign & exotic.

It also looks like I am going to be assessing our finances and figuring out if we should go to Brno in the fall to give one last try at rounding out our family. We have those 3 frozen embryos just sitting there and we both feel like our family is not quite complete.

So, it looks like there could be a trip to Brno in the fall for me if all falls into place.

I love my daughter. She's a really bright, kind, funny, amazing and beautiful little girl. If she is the only child I am ever able to have then I am perfectly OK with that.