Still Searching

H. has been out of work since February. He's applied at hundreds of jobs and come close a couple of times, but to no avail. Things are getting very tight financially and I am getting really worried. He is still in good spirits, but it is hard for him to just sit and wait every day to hear if someone wants to hire him.

I have been looking for something new to do full time as well. I have a couple of option in the early stages and should know soon if anything will pan out. I really hope that one of them find out.

Tomorrow is Halloween and there is a party at Little G's daycare. I am getting off work early to go and see their parade of costumes and enjoy the party. G is going as a  cupcake - her costume is super cute. Hopefully, I'll have some photos to post here from the party.

On the whole theme of still searching, I am still searching for peace with the decision not to use our frozen embryos. In my heart of hearts, I would love to have another baby. It scares me to think about going through the newborn stuff again, the sleepless nights, the anxiety of not knowing if I'm doing things right. Just being even older than I was the first time. It's pretty clear with H out of work that we are not financially stable enough to try again even if we wanted to.

G remains the light of my life. She is talking more and more each day and is so much fun. I love picking her up from daycare each day and singing songs in the car on the way home. It's pretty cute how much she wants to be able to sing along and really belts out the words she knows for sure. And, at night when I put her to bed, she now requests the songs she wants to hear.

Overall, despite H not having a job, life is good.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Up here in the Great White North, this past weekend was our Thanksgiving. I hosted for the first time ever (well, H& Little G and I hosted). We had my parents, my Grandmother, my Father in Law, my brother & his wife and his wife's sister for dinner. I made a 14lb turkey, sausage & apple stuffing, home-made cranberry sauce and mini sea salt and caramel apple hand pies. I got the hand pie recipe from pinterest.com and it turned out fantastic! The rest of the guests contributed food to round out the meal. It was amazing. The turkey was fabulous as was all of the food, and it was great to have the family together.

It was a pretty jam-packed weekend - Saturday was my Grandmother's 85th birthday. We had a surprise party for her at one of her favourite restaurants. There were about 40 of us there. It's been a long time since that many of the family have come together. (My Mom is one of eleven kids and there were four generations of the family there).

Sunday was the day we hosted dinner although Monday is the 'real' Thanksgiving day. On Monday, we went to a birthday party for a two year old.It was pretty fun watching her open all of her presents and then seeing Little G and her playing together. They would be fighting over a toy and then M would lean over and hug G to say sorry. So cute!

The rest of October is pretty busy as well, we have something going basically every weekend. Which reminds me I need to book a hotel room for our anniversary present. H and I are going away for a weekend to see a play and Little G is staying with my folks.

Hmm, let's see what else is new? Even though G's birthday is a couple of months away, she is already entering the terrible twos. The meltdowns are a sight to behold. When she gets going and stamping her feet I have to remind myself not to laugh at her. I have been trying the "i hear you and am here for you when you're ready" routine with her and it seems to work when we're at home. We haven't experienced the meltdown in public yet, so I am trying to prepare myself and figure out how to handle that as well.

G has a lot of obsessions as well... she absolutely has to wear her rain boots and rain coat to daycare every day. And, she is now flipping out if I try to put a shirt on her that she doesn't approve. She definitely knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let us know. I wonder if this is any indication of what she'll be like as a teenager?

Things with me are going ok. I was supposed to be losing weight, but the scale keeps moving in the wrong direction. I know it's my fault and I'm not doing what I should be doing, but I just can't find the motivation anywhere. I am going to zumba at least once a week so I'm starting to do something. I just need to get my shit together so that I can live the life I want.

Stressed

Little G turns 2 in December and I am starting to think about her birthday party. You know, getting a theme, figuring out decorations and guest lists etc. We don't have a lot of friends with kids her age. One has a son that is a year older and one has a daughter a year younger, and another that is a year and a half younger. So, I'm trying to figure out what kind of party to have. Then I started thinking about friends for her. Does she have any friends? Is this something I'm supposed to be asking at daycare? She's not even 2. Am I supposed to be setting up playdates for her on the weekend? Argh! I am stressing about this. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. And, I really don't want her to be a loner. How do I go about this? Do I make inquiries at the daycare? And, back to the party... do I need a big theme or do I wait until she's older? This really doesn't seem to be that big of a decision all things considered... so why is it stressing me out?

Pinterest

So, have you discovered the magic that is pinterest.com? I am what you would call a "late adopter" so I have just recently found my way onto this site. I love love love it. Be careful, you can find yourself lost in all the pretty pictures and neat ideas and time will pass by without you even noticing. I like crafty things. Last year I made a stocking for Little G for Christmas and this year I will be making new ones for H and I. I also love to knit. I went to pinterest thinking I would find some great crafty ideas. I have found a ton of ideas, but so far none of the things I have pinned are knitting ideas. Oh well!

I have been kicking around the idea of starting a knitting company (another reason I was checking out pinterest). I love to knit and people seem to think I'm pretty good at it, so why not start something to bring in a little extra pocket money? I have decided on a target audience and am gathering and trying different patterns so that I can test out the level of difficulty, the time it takes to complete and how cool it looks so that I can assign a price to it. I am currently knitting a baby blanket for which I have adapted a pattern for a full size blanket. So far it's pretty quick to make and it's very pretty. So, it may just be a winner. When I have things in a more concrete state I will pass them on here.

Fears

I was reading a post on one of the message boards I frequent and the topic of fear was raised. A woman wrote that she hadn't known true fear until her children were born. I thought when I read the title for her post that I could really relate to what she was saying, but in truth, I didn't. Her post was about the fear of her children dying, her dropping them or not being able to save them. To this point, I have not experienced those irrational types of fear. Of course, I worry.I am a worrier by nature. I just believe that I do the best with what I have at the time and trust that my daughter will be okay.

There are a lot of other things that I worry about. For instance, I worry about making the right choices for my daughter. I am scared that if I make the wrong decision that I will set her on a path to unhappiness and mediocrity. Little G is 20 months old and we are already contemplating what school to send her to and whether or not it should be a private school. You see, I don't necessarily think that by going to private school that Little G will do big things with her life, but I (we) want to give her the best chance at achieving her dreams.

H. read an article recently that gave me some peace of mind. It basically said that even by having the discussion and weighing the pros and cons of our decision that our child is already better off. It shows that we are thoughtful in our parenting. It gave me peace of mind, but not any real answers. Sigh.

There is one other thing that worries me... the inevitable comments about my age. I do live in a metropolitan city, and there are a lot of older Moms, but I know I am going to encounter an "is this your granddaughter type comment at some point". I know 41 is not that old, but there are a lot of women who are my age or just a little older that are grandparents already. I have to get a good answer ready for when it happens. I have a feeling no matter what I want to say, when it eventually happens I will be struck dumb and mute and slink off home to cry.

I have more thoughts on the fears that relate more to our daughter's conception story, but I am not ready to share those yet.

Feeling Better

Edited to add in breaks around the paragraphs. Not sure why this doesn't happen automatically in bloger.

I am feeling a lot better. After I last posted, I had another major GERD/panic attack and went to see my Dr. She fit me in at the last minute. We talked, ran some blood tests and she prescribed me an anti-anxiety drug that is to be used when I can't break the cycle of panic attacks. She only prescribed 10 pills. It's funny, just knowing I have them has helped me; I haven't taken any yet.

I have also been back to see her to get my blood work results. My heart is basically fine. Cholesterol could be better, need to lose weight, but I'm in the average risk for heart disease.

I am back on weight.watchers and am just taking things a day at a time.

Things have been busy around our household. Little G is a going concern. She is so curious and adventurous we have to make sure we have our eyes on her at all times. We had a wedding Saturday night (third one this summer) and then brunch with my parents on Sunday. My parents took care of G overnight for the first time. It was nice to sleep in a little on Sunday, but I still missed her.

Monday we brought our car in to get fixed and to make a long story short, we bought a new car which we pick up tonight.

Oh, and I am moving offices on Thursday. We just moved to this location in May, but our project got put on hold so we are off to our old location. I like that location better anyway so I'm happy to move back.

And, on top of everything, our chocolate lab was really sick. They thought he had a slipped disc in his neck. I have never seen him in so much pain. On Sunday, he started to get better and now you can't even tell there was anything wrong. Seems like this is just part of him getting old - he's 9 now.

Little G turned 20 months old on August 23rd, a year from now we will be getting her ready for junior kindergarten. This seems so crazy that things are going so fast. We are investigating our options now - private school vs public, French only school vs French immersion. H is French Canadian so he would like her to be bilingual. It's a lot to think about for a little person who is not yet two.

Overall though, life is good.

One and done

I have been following a lot of stories about women trying for a 2nd after infertility. Reading their stories and cheering them on is a kind of torture for me. I know we are done trying for a second, even though we are still keeping the door open. It gets more and more obvious that we are one and done.

Still I keep reading and cheering and thinking wouldn't it be nice. Sigh.

In other news, my GERD and anxiety have come together to create a storm for me. I have gas pains in my chest and I think could it be a heart attack, then the anxiety takes over and I go around and around through these thoughts. My heart is fine, I have been checked several times. My weight and cholesterol could be better, but for all intents and purposes I am healthy. I just need to find a way to get a handle on the GERD, everything I have read says to keep a journal to figure out what are triggers and then strip those foods from my diet. I am too lazy to do it, well, until now. Combined with another attempt to get my weight in hand, I am going to start eating a GERD type diet. No coffee, no mint, no fatty or fried food, no alcohol. Boring! I am also going to ask my Dr to prescrive anti-anxiety meds for when I am having a full on attack. I don't want to have to take something every day, but it would be nice to have something that can break the cycle that happens when wave after wave of attacks hit.

I worry that the GERD/anxiety will impact my ability as a mother. Because my mind automatically jumps to heart attack when this happens, I tend not to exercise or exert myself. I don't want to teach my daughter sedentary habits. So, it is really important that I get this under control. On top of everything, it is just plain scary. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this at 41 years old.

Little G is now 19 months old and is so much fun to be around. She is affectionate and loves to give big hugs. She is enamoured of our Wheaten right now and likes to climb on her or call her up on our bed/couch. G is also talking in short sentences which is pretty cute. She's not at the point where you can have a conversation with her, but she can answer simple questions. She is truly a joy and I realize every day how lucky we are to have her in our lives.