Good things.

We had Little G's birthday party on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Since she's only 2 we didn't have a bunch of kids there. We had 2 cousins that are around her age and the rest were adults. She loved being the center of attention and having everyone sing to her. Of course, she loved opening her presents, but it was pretty funny that she opened a little people pink train and didn't want to open any other presents once she had it. She opened the next few holding the train with one hand and the present in the other. We have some video that I may end up putting up here eventually. In other news both H and I have new jobs that we start in January. Actually, I think I have a "career" now rather than just a "job". I got a nice pay increase, good benefits and am moving more firmly into my field of choice. The company is listed as one of the top 100 employers in Canada. I feel incredibly lucky to get this opportunity and can't wait to make the most of it! As to the decision to try for a 2nd child, I think our indecision is our decision if that makes sense. By doing nothing about it and not making a plan to see if we could make it work, we are actually making a decision not to have another child. We shall see.

23 Months Old

Little G is now a couple of days past 23 months old. I think once she hits 2 years old I will stop counting in months. She is changing and growing so much. She tries to sing along with me now and can demand which song she would like to hear. "No Mommy - game!" means sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. She can count to 10 almost consistently now. Sometimes she needs a little help. She is trying to say her alphabet and loves the LMNOP part. She is also throwing the craziest tantrums where she loses her ever-loving mind. I am learning how to deal with them, but when she throws one in the morning when I'm trying to get us both out the door it can be a little bit stressful. I am just gearing up for her birthday party next month. Trying to get us organized and realizing that we are going to be inundated with new toys, which means we will have to go through her existing toys and put them away/donate them. I would like to have a yardsale next year to deal with all of her stuff. Her birthday will be closely followed by Christmas, so we are starting to indoctrinate her into the Christmas festivities. I think she's still a little young to really grasp the concept. But, we're going to bring her to see Santa again this year and maybe we'll get a non-screaming picture. I have over-indulged and bought her two Christmas outfits so she has something to wear on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I love this time of year and want to give her the best memories. There is one thought that is adding a little gloom to the season. I am really missing my lost twins. I look at how amazing G is and I can't help but wonder what they would have been like. How crazy would our ilfe have been? Most of all, I realize that I'm not done. I want another baby. I want G to have a brother or sister to play with on Christmas morning. When I peel away all of the layers of why we shouldn't be having another baby, I get down to the basic kernel that I don't feel like I'm done.

Dreams do come true.

Our weekend started off slow, but just kept getting better. Thursday night, Little G seemed to be really hot so on my way to bed I stopped in her room and took her temperature - 38.6 (anything over 38 is a fever). By the end of Friday, her fever was 39.2, a combination of baby tylenol and baby advil brought it down. I hate when she's sick because I feel so helpless. I just cuddled with her and rocked her and hoped she would feel better. If the meds hadn't brought the fever down, I was mentally preparing myself for a trip to the dr.

By Saturday, G was almost back to her old self, she still had a runny nose and cough, but the fever was gone and her energy was back. That morning we bundled up and went out for a walk around our neighbourhood. It's so much fun to see the world through her eyes, particularly when a plane flies overhead. When we got back it was time for her nap.

That afternoon we did something that I had been dreaming of doing with my child ever since I had decided that I wanted to be a mom some day. We baked together. I pushed a chair up to the counter and had G stand on it. I would measure out the ingredients and she'd dump them in the bowl. I helped her break the egg into the bowl and then to stir the ingredients together. I took a few photos of her as we worked (I'll likely post one here after I download them) We baked Banana Bread. It turned out to be a little dry, but i loved every minute of working with her. Even when she fell off the chair and scared the crap out of me. Thankfully she was just scared and not hurt.

I created a bit of a monster when I helped her stand on the chair. Now every time I'm in the kitchen she wants to stand on the chair and watch what I'm doing or help make the food. Very cute!

On Sunday we walked to the park to go on the swings. While there we ran into a little girl from G's daycare class and her Mom. The mother and I introduced ourselves and got talking and she told me that her daughter is adopted and they had tried for 7 years to get pregnant before adopting. I shared my story as well. It's amazing how great it feels to meet someone in real life who just gets it.

The day ended with a trip to my parents for dinner with my grandmother, brother and sister in law. I love watching G interact with my parents. She loves them and lights up when she sees them. Which is something else I had dreamed of for years.

I know these things to moste people would seem mundane, but for me they were dreams being fulfilled and it was amazing!

Still Searching

H. has been out of work since February. He's applied at hundreds of jobs and come close a couple of times, but to no avail. Things are getting very tight financially and I am getting really worried. He is still in good spirits, but it is hard for him to just sit and wait every day to hear if someone wants to hire him.

I have been looking for something new to do full time as well. I have a couple of option in the early stages and should know soon if anything will pan out. I really hope that one of them find out.

Tomorrow is Halloween and there is a party at Little G's daycare. I am getting off work early to go and see their parade of costumes and enjoy the party. G is going as a  cupcake - her costume is super cute. Hopefully, I'll have some photos to post here from the party.

On the whole theme of still searching, I am still searching for peace with the decision not to use our frozen embryos. In my heart of hearts, I would love to have another baby. It scares me to think about going through the newborn stuff again, the sleepless nights, the anxiety of not knowing if I'm doing things right. Just being even older than I was the first time. It's pretty clear with H out of work that we are not financially stable enough to try again even if we wanted to.

G remains the light of my life. She is talking more and more each day and is so much fun. I love picking her up from daycare each day and singing songs in the car on the way home. It's pretty cute how much she wants to be able to sing along and really belts out the words she knows for sure. And, at night when I put her to bed, she now requests the songs she wants to hear.

Overall, despite H not having a job, life is good.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Up here in the Great White North, this past weekend was our Thanksgiving. I hosted for the first time ever (well, H& Little G and I hosted). We had my parents, my Grandmother, my Father in Law, my brother & his wife and his wife's sister for dinner. I made a 14lb turkey, sausage & apple stuffing, home-made cranberry sauce and mini sea salt and caramel apple hand pies. I got the hand pie recipe from pinterest.com and it turned out fantastic! The rest of the guests contributed food to round out the meal. It was amazing. The turkey was fabulous as was all of the food, and it was great to have the family together.

It was a pretty jam-packed weekend - Saturday was my Grandmother's 85th birthday. We had a surprise party for her at one of her favourite restaurants. There were about 40 of us there. It's been a long time since that many of the family have come together. (My Mom is one of eleven kids and there were four generations of the family there).

Sunday was the day we hosted dinner although Monday is the 'real' Thanksgiving day. On Monday, we went to a birthday party for a two year old.It was pretty fun watching her open all of her presents and then seeing Little G and her playing together. They would be fighting over a toy and then M would lean over and hug G to say sorry. So cute!

The rest of October is pretty busy as well, we have something going basically every weekend. Which reminds me I need to book a hotel room for our anniversary present. H and I are going away for a weekend to see a play and Little G is staying with my folks.

Hmm, let's see what else is new? Even though G's birthday is a couple of months away, she is already entering the terrible twos. The meltdowns are a sight to behold. When she gets going and stamping her feet I have to remind myself not to laugh at her. I have been trying the "i hear you and am here for you when you're ready" routine with her and it seems to work when we're at home. We haven't experienced the meltdown in public yet, so I am trying to prepare myself and figure out how to handle that as well.

G has a lot of obsessions as well... she absolutely has to wear her rain boots and rain coat to daycare every day. And, she is now flipping out if I try to put a shirt on her that she doesn't approve. She definitely knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let us know. I wonder if this is any indication of what she'll be like as a teenager?

Things with me are going ok. I was supposed to be losing weight, but the scale keeps moving in the wrong direction. I know it's my fault and I'm not doing what I should be doing, but I just can't find the motivation anywhere. I am going to zumba at least once a week so I'm starting to do something. I just need to get my shit together so that I can live the life I want.

Stressed

Little G turns 2 in December and I am starting to think about her birthday party. You know, getting a theme, figuring out decorations and guest lists etc. We don't have a lot of friends with kids her age. One has a son that is a year older and one has a daughter a year younger, and another that is a year and a half younger. So, I'm trying to figure out what kind of party to have. Then I started thinking about friends for her. Does she have any friends? Is this something I'm supposed to be asking at daycare? She's not even 2. Am I supposed to be setting up playdates for her on the weekend? Argh! I am stressing about this. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. And, I really don't want her to be a loner. How do I go about this? Do I make inquiries at the daycare? And, back to the party... do I need a big theme or do I wait until she's older? This really doesn't seem to be that big of a decision all things considered... so why is it stressing me out?

Pinterest

So, have you discovered the magic that is pinterest.com? I am what you would call a "late adopter" so I have just recently found my way onto this site. I love love love it. Be careful, you can find yourself lost in all the pretty pictures and neat ideas and time will pass by without you even noticing. I like crafty things. Last year I made a stocking for Little G for Christmas and this year I will be making new ones for H and I. I also love to knit. I went to pinterest thinking I would find some great crafty ideas. I have found a ton of ideas, but so far none of the things I have pinned are knitting ideas. Oh well!

I have been kicking around the idea of starting a knitting company (another reason I was checking out pinterest). I love to knit and people seem to think I'm pretty good at it, so why not start something to bring in a little extra pocket money? I have decided on a target audience and am gathering and trying different patterns so that I can test out the level of difficulty, the time it takes to complete and how cool it looks so that I can assign a price to it. I am currently knitting a baby blanket for which I have adapted a pattern for a full size blanket. So far it's pretty quick to make and it's very pretty. So, it may just be a winner. When I have things in a more concrete state I will pass them on here.

Fears

I was reading a post on one of the message boards I frequent and the topic of fear was raised. A woman wrote that she hadn't known true fear until her children were born. I thought when I read the title for her post that I could really relate to what she was saying, but in truth, I didn't. Her post was about the fear of her children dying, her dropping them or not being able to save them. To this point, I have not experienced those irrational types of fear. Of course, I worry.I am a worrier by nature. I just believe that I do the best with what I have at the time and trust that my daughter will be okay.

There are a lot of other things that I worry about. For instance, I worry about making the right choices for my daughter. I am scared that if I make the wrong decision that I will set her on a path to unhappiness and mediocrity. Little G is 20 months old and we are already contemplating what school to send her to and whether or not it should be a private school. You see, I don't necessarily think that by going to private school that Little G will do big things with her life, but I (we) want to give her the best chance at achieving her dreams.

H. read an article recently that gave me some peace of mind. It basically said that even by having the discussion and weighing the pros and cons of our decision that our child is already better off. It shows that we are thoughtful in our parenting. It gave me peace of mind, but not any real answers. Sigh.

There is one other thing that worries me... the inevitable comments about my age. I do live in a metropolitan city, and there are a lot of older Moms, but I know I am going to encounter an "is this your granddaughter type comment at some point". I know 41 is not that old, but there are a lot of women who are my age or just a little older that are grandparents already. I have to get a good answer ready for when it happens. I have a feeling no matter what I want to say, when it eventually happens I will be struck dumb and mute and slink off home to cry.

I have more thoughts on the fears that relate more to our daughter's conception story, but I am not ready to share those yet.

Feeling Better

Edited to add in breaks around the paragraphs. Not sure why this doesn't happen automatically in bloger.

I am feeling a lot better. After I last posted, I had another major GERD/panic attack and went to see my Dr. She fit me in at the last minute. We talked, ran some blood tests and she prescribed me an anti-anxiety drug that is to be used when I can't break the cycle of panic attacks. She only prescribed 10 pills. It's funny, just knowing I have them has helped me; I haven't taken any yet.

I have also been back to see her to get my blood work results. My heart is basically fine. Cholesterol could be better, need to lose weight, but I'm in the average risk for heart disease.

I am back on weight.watchers and am just taking things a day at a time.

Things have been busy around our household. Little G is a going concern. She is so curious and adventurous we have to make sure we have our eyes on her at all times. We had a wedding Saturday night (third one this summer) and then brunch with my parents on Sunday. My parents took care of G overnight for the first time. It was nice to sleep in a little on Sunday, but I still missed her.

Monday we brought our car in to get fixed and to make a long story short, we bought a new car which we pick up tonight.

Oh, and I am moving offices on Thursday. We just moved to this location in May, but our project got put on hold so we are off to our old location. I like that location better anyway so I'm happy to move back.

And, on top of everything, our chocolate lab was really sick. They thought he had a slipped disc in his neck. I have never seen him in so much pain. On Sunday, he started to get better and now you can't even tell there was anything wrong. Seems like this is just part of him getting old - he's 9 now.

Little G turned 20 months old on August 23rd, a year from now we will be getting her ready for junior kindergarten. This seems so crazy that things are going so fast. We are investigating our options now - private school vs public, French only school vs French immersion. H is French Canadian so he would like her to be bilingual. It's a lot to think about for a little person who is not yet two.

Overall though, life is good.

One and done

I have been following a lot of stories about women trying for a 2nd after infertility. Reading their stories and cheering them on is a kind of torture for me. I know we are done trying for a second, even though we are still keeping the door open. It gets more and more obvious that we are one and done.

Still I keep reading and cheering and thinking wouldn't it be nice. Sigh.

In other news, my GERD and anxiety have come together to create a storm for me. I have gas pains in my chest and I think could it be a heart attack, then the anxiety takes over and I go around and around through these thoughts. My heart is fine, I have been checked several times. My weight and cholesterol could be better, but for all intents and purposes I am healthy. I just need to find a way to get a handle on the GERD, everything I have read says to keep a journal to figure out what are triggers and then strip those foods from my diet. I am too lazy to do it, well, until now. Combined with another attempt to get my weight in hand, I am going to start eating a GERD type diet. No coffee, no mint, no fatty or fried food, no alcohol. Boring! I am also going to ask my Dr to prescrive anti-anxiety meds for when I am having a full on attack. I don't want to have to take something every day, but it would be nice to have something that can break the cycle that happens when wave after wave of attacks hit.

I worry that the GERD/anxiety will impact my ability as a mother. Because my mind automatically jumps to heart attack when this happens, I tend not to exercise or exert myself. I don't want to teach my daughter sedentary habits. So, it is really important that I get this under control. On top of everything, it is just plain scary. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this at 41 years old.

Little G is now 19 months old and is so much fun to be around. She is affectionate and loves to give big hugs. She is enamoured of our Wheaten right now and likes to climb on her or call her up on our bed/couch. G is also talking in short sentences which is pretty cute. She's not at the point where you can have a conversation with her, but she can answer simple questions. She is truly a joy and I realize every day how lucky we are to have her in our lives.

Hello

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. A lot has been happening and I just haven't felt like posting.

Let's see. H has been out of work since mid-February. He's put out a bunch of resumes and been on two interviews. I hate that I judge the effort that he's been putting into it. I know that the market is not friendly right now, but when I come home and he's told me how many movies he's watched in a day or that he's gone out for lunch with his Dad it irks me. I have really tried not to put any pressure on him whatsoever because I know how stressful it can be. I really hope that he gets something soon.

Little G is progressing in leaps and bounds. She had 7 ear infections between the middle of January and beginning of May, so the decision was made to have tubes put in her ears. They did a hearing test and her ear drum in her didn't move at all during one of the tests indicating that her ear was full of fluid. Basically, her hearing had been impacted. Which I had suspected because her words were coming very slowly. Within a week of her having the surgery, her vocabulary exploded. She is now speaking in short sentences (I want out, I want towel) etc. She is starting to dance and trying to sing and do the hand signs to songs. Itsy bitsy spider is a big hit around our house. Oh, and she loves when I sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game. I finish and she says "'gain" and I sing it again. I think I sang it about 10 times in the car on our way to my parents over the weekend.

Life for me is pretty much the same. Work, sleep, eat, take care of Gigi (oh the joy!). H and I need to find some time for each other. I bought H tickets to a play out of town for the two of us in the fall. So, that's something to look forward to.

I still vacilate between wanting another child or not, but most days I think that Little G will be our one and only. That is getting a little easier for me to accept.

Bowmanville Zoo

Over the May 2-4 weekend, we took Little G to the Bowmanville Zoo. I had heard so many fantastic things about it that I thought she would have a fabulous time, and I wasn't disappointed. We went on the Monday of the long weekend and when we arrived at the zoo, the parking lot was full so we had to park on the green space across from the zoo. This was kind of crappy because the zoo is on a small highway, we had to walk a short distance out of our way to cross at the lights. Really a very small inconvenience.

At the entrance there was a sign that informed us that the elephant was not in residence. The Bowmanville zoo is a training zoo and a lot of their animals are used in tv and film productions. G is so little that it didn't make a difference that the elephant wasn't there. We bought our tickets for entry - around $15 each for us and G was free because she is under 2. I knew from word of mouth that the kids can feed the animals at this zoo, so I asked about buying food. A bag is $2 and you can also buy it at the snack bar if you forget to buy it at the entrance. We were also given a map of the zoo at the entrance, although I hadn't realized it at the time and just stashed it away in the diaper bag. With hindsight, I would have liked to review the map prior to going in, but we managed just fine.

We took G out of her stroller and let her walk the whole time. We kept the bag of animal food in the stroller and G quickly got in the pattern of feeding the animals and going back to the stroller to get more food. She fed the Llamas, Alpacas, Billy Goats, Reindeer, and more. She absolutely loved every minute of it and I cannot wait to go back with her. If you have a toddler, this zoo is awesome for them and I would highly recommend a visit.

A Graduate!

On Wednesday June 6th, I accomplished something that has been a monkey on my back for the last 22 years. I graduated from university. I started uni in 1990 in a communications program. A lot of shit happened between first & second year that threw me completely off track. Maybe one day I will be able to speak openly about it, but I still haven't forgiven myself for the decisions I made during that time. I am still ashamed. I think getting my degree is one step towards allowing myself to move forward, move on and begin to forgive.

So, I am a proud university graduate! The weight has been lifted from my shoulders; it is amazing how much lighter I feel. I was so happy to have my parents, my husband and my daughter in the audience to see me graduate. G won't remember it, but maybe it will be there deep down in her sub-conscious. We are going to have a bbq next weekend to celebrate.

In other news, Little G is growing up and is in full toddler mode now. She is now feeding herself with a fork and a spoon (still quite messy thought and that free hand usually dips in to help), she is just about running and is trying to jump up and down, she has discovered dancing and spinning which she loves. And, she is starting to talk, she has a few words, yes, no, shoes, socks, mommy, daddy, what's that, mine (this one is very new and sound like mah, mah, mah). I am still in awe that this little being is mine.

Happy Victoria Day weekend!

Life with a toddler is a ton of fun these days. Little G is walking everywhere now and wants to see and touch everything. She pays attention to everything we are doing and you can almost see her filing it away for later.

Yesterday was garbage day in our neck of the woods, H had emptied one of our garbage bins and left it outside of the kitchen. I told G to put it away. So she pushed it into the kitchen and then turned it around so the open side was facing the correct way. That shocked the hell out of me because I would never have thought that she would have realized that there was a right way and a wrong way for the garbage bin to face. The kid is sharp!

She is also blowing her nose a lot which is a newly acquired skill. If she sees a napkin or kleenex around she will blow her nose and then throw the tissue in the garbage. It's pretty cute.

I think because she's in the toddler room at daycare now that she is going to change and grow even quicker now. You can really see changes from week to week with her. It was a tough transition moving from the infant room to the toddler room. She would start crying when we'd enter the driveway to the daycare and then I'd have to pull her off of me and leave her screaming in the room with the daycare provider. Ugh. So, painful. Well, that was two weeks ago. Today, we dropped her off and she walked right into the room and didn't if look back to say good-bye. She is happy there again thank goodness.

I am loving being a Mom, of course, I worry constantly that I am screwing her up for life, but I am trying my best to be there for her and to be a good role model. On that note, the weight thing continues to be an anchor around my neck. I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself over food and that the more I tell myself that I am going to buckle down and finally get this weight off the more I sabotage myself and eat crap. I really hate how my body looks and feels right now so I need to do something to get myself back on track. I am open to any and all ideas!

Oh forgot to mention, this weekend is Victoria Day weekend in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. In Canada (well, in Ontario), this is the first official long weekend of the summer and we actually refer to it as "May Two Four" because it falls on the weekend closest to and befor May 24th. Also, because this weekend is one where we all start heading to cottages or going to cottages or simply having backyard BBQs and parties. May Two Four refers to the many Two Fours of beer that will be drank this weekend. (A Two Four or 2-4 is what we call a case of beer which contains 24 beer). To my fellow Canadians celebrating this weekend - enjoy and I hope the weather is beautiful.

Thankful

Someone on a messageboard I follow wrote about feeling her baby move (she is 6 months pregnant) and how she started crying because she is just so thankful that she is finally pregnant. She struggled with infertility before finally getting pregnant. She would also likely tell you she's not out of the woods yet and will only truly be happy when she has a healthy baby in her arms.

That's what infertility does to you, it makes you uber-aware of all of the things that can go wrong. It robs you of naivete. I didn't buy anything when I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks along and even then I only bought a couple of sleepers. After infertility, you are so afraid to jinx things that you just don't do the things that other first time mothers do. Women like me don't see a positive pregnancy test and then jump to the conclusion that there will be a baby 9 months later. Cautious optimism is the emotion of choice. Come to think of it, I have still never seen a positive pregnancy test. During the 4 years it took to get pregnant I had seen so many stark, white, negative tests that I just couldn't bring myself to pee on one that last time. I only ever got the blood results.

Anyway, all this leads me to what brought me to my computer to write this post. I am just so incredibly thankful to be G's mom. Having her in my life gives meaning to everything that we went through to bring her into our world. I will never forget about our struggles, although with distance it is not so painful anymore. I still remember enough, and carry the scars deep enough that I will always cherish this little girl. I know I'm in the easy phase right now where she thinks the sun rises and sets with us. I am prepared (as much as I can be) for the moody teenager who is in our future. I will love her regardless of her hormone induced mood swings.

I am getting ahead of myself, for now, for today, I will just be thankful and not worry about anything else.

Bumping Along

It's been a while since I last posted. Things just keep bumping along.

I've been back to work now for awhile and have settled into a great routine with Little G. She brings a smile to my face every morning as she stands in her crib yelling "hi ya" and waving to us. She seems really happy at daycare and will be moving up to the toddler room next week. She is walking now and is getting steadier on her feet every day. Soon she'll be running everywhere. I am so lucky to have this awesome little person in my life.

She is such a happy kid and it is rare for her to be in a foul mood. I don't think I've ever seen her truly unhappy unless she's not feeling well. There is one nasty habit that she has started - biting. Yep, she's bitten some other kids at school and she's bitten me a few times. With me, she thinks it's funny to hear me yelp in pain. But, she really doesn't like the consequence, which is being removed from me and whatever else she has been playing with and being made to sit by herself for a few seconds. This tends to stop the biting cold turkey for a few days until she forgets and does it again. At daycare they treat it the same way. If she bites, she is removed from the situation and the kid who is bitten gets lots of love and attention. I hope it's just a phase that passes quickly.

In other news, H. lost his job recently. So, please keep good thoughts for him to find something quickly. I have full confidence that he will be able to get a great job, I'm just not sure how long it may take.

Here's a photo of G from St. Patrick's Day:

On the mend (again)

Little G is now getting over her 4th ear infection since the middle of January. I have been taking her to a walk-in cinic nearer to her daycare/our home and they keep putting her on different kinds of antibiotics. I am starting to get a little worried about her having a problem with chronic ear infections so I took her to my family doctor. Who was of no help at all. My dr. basically made me feel like a nervous mother. But, I know this isn't normal. The next one she gets I am demanding a referral to an E.N.T. specialist.

I had a weekend off my diet and am finding it a little difficult to get back into the swing of things. It was my Mom's birthday and Little G and I went to stay with my parents' for the weekend. We ate a bunch of delicious food and now I am trying to get back into my healthy eating. We went to an amazing restaurant for my Mom's birthday. I ordered Chi.leanSea Bass that came with a creamy shrimp sauce and was served over two giant raviolis stuffed with portebello mushroom. I found out later that Chil.eanSea Bass is actually an endangered species (or close to it). I did feel guilty once I knew and had I known previously I would not have ordered it. I will say it was delicious. Little G loved it too. Right, though, back to healthy eating. I have been a little more on plan today, but my goal is to be back on track fully by Friday. If it happens before then that would be great too.

Self-improvement

When i had the G, I started thinking about the kind of mother I want to be for her. I started thinking about what kind of example I can be for her. And it made me take a long hard look at myself. Like D.r.Phi.l likes to say the same sex parent has the most influence on the child.

There were a couple of things that I could see that would set a good example for her. The first was finishing my bachelor's degree. I started back in 1990, through a series of bumps in the road I left school after my second year. In 1997 I went back to school this time at a different university and was going to school full time Monday to Wednesday while working Thursday to Saturday or Sunday. The place I was working offered me a full time job at a good wage and I took it. So, I dropped out, again.

A few years ago, I looked into my original school and found out that they had a distance education degree in Adult Education. As a happy coincidence, I happened to have been working as a corporate trainer already. It seemed like fate. When I got pregnant I needed two courses to complete my degree. During my pregnancy I took two half courses and then took almost a full year to start my final course. I finished that course in December and my graduation is set for June 6th. It only took 22 years, but I will finally have my degree. A B. of Ed. in Adult Education. I am pretty proud of myself for seeing this through and think that G will think I did a good thing too when she's old enough to understand.

The other thing I really want to do for her is to present a healthy Mom. I used to be a very active person, but lately I am more like a slug. Before getting pregnant, I was almost at my highest weight ever. Due to extreme nausea and morning sickness, and perhaps healthier eating, I actually only gained 3lbs for my entire pregnancy. I guess G was fed off of my fat stores. After giving birth, I lost around 29lbs in about two to three weeks. Slowly that weight crept back up and I gained almost 15lbs of it back. I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and joined a doctor supervised weight loss program. It is pretty limiting in what you can eat and how many calories you have a day because it is designed to get the weight off quickly. I am down almost 20lbs now. I still have around 55lbs to go, but I am on my way to being a healthier example for my daughter. In addition to the diet, I am starting going to Zum.ba on Monday nights with a co-worker. I can't wait to start.

There are other things that I want to improve upon. I want to be a more positive person; H and I tend to complain about things when in fact we have things pretty good. I don't want G to be that way.

Of course, I have to stop swearing so much. She's almost talking now, so I better get that under control before there's a little parrot following me around.

Is one enough?

I am still grieving the loss of our twins; I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move on from having to make that decision. After having struggled for so long to get pregnant, only to lose 2 of our 3 babies was so painful and unfair. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful the healthy, happy little girl that we have. She is the light of our lives. I just feel like we were shafted out of our complete family.

H and I have gone back and forth and back again on whether we want to try and have another baby. We have three frozen embryos still waiting for us in the Czech Republic. Financially, it would be a burden and sacrifice to have another child. We would have to stay in our little home and make do with it the way it is right now (one bathroom, two bedrooms). Putting two kids in daycare is very expensive where we live. I am not sure how we would pay for that. We both would need to make significantly more money.

Having one child makes things a lot easier. There are two of us so we outnumber her. People are more willing to babysit if there is just one kid. It is easier to travel or go out for dinner or any number of things.

Then there are our ages; I’m turning 41 this year and H is turning 44. If we wait too much longer, I feel like we’ll be too old to deal with the newborn sleeplessness. I already feel like an old mom.

But, there is this sense in me that our family is not complete. Part of it may be due to losing the twins and trying to re-capture the family we should have had. But, there is more to it. I want Little G to have a sibling. I want her to have a pal for life. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that just because people are siblings it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be friends. I want her to at least have that opportunity.

Sigh. But then I go back to what we can do for G if there aren’t other kids around. We can put her in private school and make sure she can have the afterschool programs she’s interested in. We can travel with her and introduce the world to her.

I don’t know what to do or what I want. At any given moment, my answer is different. When I started writing, I was sure that I wanted to at least try for another, but then the practical side of me takes over and I think financially we’re better off with one.

It’s the intangibles that get me. What will we as a family get out of having more than one child? How will Little G benefit or be harmed by having a sibling?

Then I think about when I am old and looking back over my life. Will I regret not having tried with our remaining embryos? I think so. Is that enough a reason to try?

I guess I’m asking the Mom’s out there who stopped at one. (if there’s anyone reading) What were your reasons? How did you make this decision?

Ear Infections

Well, since my last post, LG has had her 3rd ear infection in a row. Poor little kid. This last time, the daycare called me to say she had just woken from her nap with a fever of 101 and I had to go get her. I picked her up and promptly drove straight to the walk-in clinic. She was given a new stronger kind of anti-biotics and we went home to wait for the baby tylenol to start to kick in.

It's been a little over a week and a half since then and the ear infection has cleared up. So far there are no signs of another one coming in. Thank goodness!

Since we were dealing with ear infection #3, I called my family dr to let her know what had been going on. She informed me that there is a link between soother use and recurrent infections. They (the medical establishment) don't know exactly why there is a link, but the research shows a link. So, we quit the soother cold turkey that day. It took a couple of days, but LG is now going to sleep without her soother without a fuss. LG only got the soother at nap time and bedtime so she wasn't a full on soother addict like some kids out there. I'm sure that's why it was a pretty quick transition to sleeping soother free.

It is scary when your kid is sick. When the fever keeps spiking and you've already given all the meds that the she can take and you just have to wait for it to kick in. You feel scared and helpless. I hate that feeling. I know that with her in daycare it is inevitable that she will end up sick, but I hope she gets a break for a while.

Back to work

Wow, that was quite a break between posts! Life has been hectic and I was busy enjoying my baby girl while I had time at home with her. I am in Canada, and am very fortunate that new mother's are allowed to take a full year off with the guarantee of our jobs back at the end of the leave. There is also employment insurance from the government that pays a small amount each month that does help with the finances. For some lucky women, their companies even top up their EI so that they get full salaries for the entire year. My company does not fall into that category.

It was tight, but we made ends meet for the year that I had off. I am so incredibly happy that I was able to spend that year with Little G. It was such an awesome experience to see her grow, change and learn in front of my eyes.

When the end of my maternity was approaching we enrolled LG in daycare. She started transitioning from being home all day to attending daycare part time, 3 weeks before I went back to work.

3 days in she was sick... runny nose, explosive diarrhea, fever. I felt so bad for her and pretty helpless at the same time. She had a tooth coming in and I had just started introducing Homogenized Milk into her diet so I thought that perhaps some of her symptoms could be explained by those things. But, by the weekend her fever just kept climbing and climbing despite the infant tylenol/advil and sponge baths I was giving her. When it hit 104 we went to the walk in clinic. She had her first ear infection. She was given 10 days of antibiotics to clear it up. 12 days later we found out that she still had her ear infection and now her temp was 105. Round two of 10 days of antibiotics now seems to have finally done the trick. Oh, and I think teething was playing a role in the fever because when I checked her mouth yesterday, not only had the bottom right side incisor come through, all 4 of her 1 year molars were poking through as well. Poor kid.

So, that was the start of daycare, she is there full-time now and loves it. I've been back to work for a week and a half and feel like I have never left. The first day of dropping LG at daycare was tough for me, but I have to admit it's nice being back at work surrounded by adults, having adult conversations. I really missed that. But, at 3pm everyday I look at the picture of her on my desk and start to count down the minutes until I can go pick her up.

I seriously love that kid.